Friday, March 23, 2018

motherhood // standing


Never had I experienced true fear or anxiety till becoming a mother.

Fragile little souls wrapped in beauty placed within me three times, thus far. These precious little souls awakened my own awareness of, not only my own soul, but the soul of my husband and others I encounter through friendship, family, and happenstance more than previously possible.

Recently, I was sitting next to young missionary girls at a dinner. One of the young women asked me what has been the most profound experience or truth I have discovered since becoming a mother.

Given that this was my first encounter with this young woman and she was excited and happy to just chat about life, I was happy to oblige with an answer. However, she had just asked me one of those questions that not only make you try to form words to experiences known so intimately from the depths of you, but also that make you spiral back through your entire life, again, trying to comprise words that could give justice to the realities only known by the heart.

I looked at her, because in truth, I have thought of this before (remember, I'm an INFP to the core), and told her,

Never have I known the true weight and glory of another's soul till becoming a mother.

Those are the only words I've been able to string together to encompass the truth of carrying another person within me. The weight after my firstborn came into my arms was so real and good and beautiful. Then, the weights of our second born and third born that followed all delighted my own soul in really big ways.

But as much as there has been such delight and sheer joy at the amazing gift of life and having been that instrument, there has been just as much anxiety, and at times, fear that tries to seep in more often than I care for.

Any sickness, severe or minor, has pierced my heart. Every injury or wail from the other room, has put my heart in a panic from within. Almost like there is something inside me, a part of them still left, that mimics their pain.

There's been times when I thought I would have to let my Lord have them sooner than my heart was ready. And there's been times when their suffering, untouchable by my simple hands, has spun me round in a whirlwind of hope and fear, a desire to love and dizzying anxiety.

In these times, prayer has been my consolation. My husband has also been such a stronghold. Scripture has wrapped me in blankets of stories of those of old and their own wisdom in times of trial. Mother Church and her communion of saints has also lit a pathway present and forward that proved good, honest, and needed. All of this, wrapped in His Grace, are what have brought me to where I am today, able to look back and and hopefully, look at my present and say, all is well, all is well, in all manner of things, all shall be well.

Words really have a way of calming my soul into stillness, as does Truth, Beauty, and Goodness. The saints and their heroic lives also meet my soul in a way that is so encouraging! So, to bring words, Truth, Goodness, and Beauty, and the saints together, I'm going to share seven + one bits of wisdom below that has helped me withstand deciet a time or many.

The prayer, in full, is so incredibly powerful! Have you ever prayed the full prayer? Definitely worth every word! Prior to discovering the full prayer, I had only known the more commonly seen portion of it:

Christ with me,
Christ before me,
Christ behind me,
Christ in me,
Christ beneath me,
Christ above me,
Christ on my right,
Christ on my left,
Christ when I lie down,
Christ when I sit down,
Christ when I arise,
Christ in the heart of every man who thinks of me,
Christ in the mouth of everyone who speaks of me,
Christ in every eye that sees me,
Christ in every ear that hears me.

While the portion I was familiar with is also beautiful and good, the full prayer is just so strong, powerful, and commanding.

“So have no fear of them; for nothing is covered up that will not be uncovered, and nothing secret that will not become known.”

-Matthew 10:26

"Stop entertaining those vain fears. Remember it is not feeling which constitutes guilt but the consent to such feelings. Only the free will is capable of good or evil. But when the will sighs under the trial of the tempter and does not will what is presented to it, there is not only no fault but there is virtue."

-St. Padre Pio

"Consult not your fears but your hopes and your dreams. Think not about your frustrations, but about your unfulfilled potential. Concern yourself not with what you tried and failed in, but with what it is still possible for you to do."

- Pope John XXIII

"But immediately he spoke to them and said, “Take heart, it is I; do not be afraid.”

-Mark 6:50

"In all the events of life, you must recognize the divine will. Adore and bless it, especially in the things which are the hardest for you."

- St. Padre Pio

“Do not fear what may happen tomorrow. The same loving Father who cares for you today will care for you tomorrow and every day. Either he will shield you from suffering or He will give you unfailing strength to bear it. Be at peace then and put aside all anxious thoughts and imaginings.”

-St. Francis de Sales


While the joy and delight of the gift of life being shared with my husband and I has been one of the most profound experiences of our lives up to this point, there are times where I struggle with trusting in Him. In those times, fear and anxiety run over me and it feels awful. These words of wisdom, encouragement, and truth have all been anchors for my soul, forcing me to stand on grounds formed of Truths rather than the sinking sands of deceit that the father of lies spews at me.

Becoming a mother has truly allowed me to have these extravagant tastes of Heaven that I do not deserve, and it has also made the soul, eternity, and salvation that much more real. The real is the life-saving part, but can all too easily, become my fault that spins me further away from the heart of my vocation. A spin, that if left unattended, can leave me in the most disoriented and dizzy state!


How do you all combat deceit or falsehoods in your life? Do you have amazing sounding boards in your spouse or a best friend or parent? Do you fill yourself with scripture or wisdom from the saints? OR perhaps, something entirely different? I'd love to know!


Prayers that we can all move towards the heart of our vocation and stay there with gratitude, delight, joy, and authentic presence more often than let the dizzies invade!

Sunday, March 18, 2018

the side of love // taking the time

There's a beautiful rhythm to our world. We see it in the seasons that guide us through death and new life every year. The rhythm calls to us. It calls to our souls that yearn for the Unseen because it is in what is seen that makes the Unseen known.

In a similar way, we experience seasons. Seasons of health and seasons of sickness, seasons of death and of new life, seasons of growth and seasons of stillness, and seasons of every possible opposition that exists in our little world.

A few years ago, my soul entered a season of stillness. The season felt like it was filled with so many words that displayed such amazing thought and Truth, and yet, a season in which my soul could not form comparable words on this little webspace of mine. It's almost as if my soul was so filled it couldn't possibly reveal the gifts that it was relishing in. And so, this season has felt like a sort of retreat of my heart, will, and mind.

During this time, I kept feeling the Holy Spirit nudge.


Be still.


Now, I know I've chatted about rest in this little space of mine. Rest is just something that comes naturally to me, sometimes in times that are fantastic and nourishing, and in other times, in a way that is easily seen as vice! 

But this was a different sort of rest. The kind of rest that us phlegmatic/INFP's are absolutely stellar at is not what He was asking of me, rather, more of a rest of my brain and heart! In other words, He grabbed my hand, walked me away from here, and asked me to take some time to try and still the inner constancy of my brain.

This retreat has been incredibly amazing. The gift of Mother Church, Her teachings, all that surrounds us in the wisdom of the faithful - old and new, the incredible otherworldliness of universal truths, and more are what my mind, heart, and soul have been continually filled with these last couple of years. To say, I'm thankful doesn't even begin to cut it!

And yet, through it all, my little soul has been stunned into silence. There's been such a filling of Truth, that leaves me not knowing where to begin.

There's beauty in new beginnings. We see it every season. We see it at every end to a season, too. The fruits are seen and known and serve our hearts in such good ways. Only, if we take the time to see it.


So, till the next time I take the time to see and know, how do you take time to notice how He speaks to you in your season or present?

Is it easy? What are the distractions? What are the encouragements? 

Sunday, March 4, 2018

the side of love // i want to make Him known





Have you ever felt these things? or maybe, have you ever wondered, why?, these things are ever present within you?

I sure have.

In fact, for some time now, every time I came to write here, these very words rose up in me and stilled me.

In that stillness there is nothing but stillness. There is nothing but an emptiness that leaves me feeling I have nothing to offer - no words to put together, no thoughts that make sense, nothing to say - nothing.

And yet, there is a stirring that does not go away. A stirring that keeps swirling within me. It's this little fire that sways, keeping a warmth within me filled with hope and desire and the whisper of in His time.

I don't know what or when or how often I should be on this little webhome of mine, but I do know that I've asked Him for time, a request I notice Him answering in spurts, here and there spurts that I need to embrace. I also know that He hasn't taken my heart's desire to be in this little space, which is a truth I will not let pass me by, with His Grace.

So, with that, I'm going to open up my blogger page every time I sense a stirring. I'm going to go to the blankness and emptiness and nothingness of the white space with the tiny blinking cursor and ask my heart to put the words, she so much desires to puzzle through, out in the world.





In all of these things, there He is. Through all of these things, I want to make Him known.


How have you responded to the experience of emptiness, nothing, stillness, or stirring? How has He met you in these times?

motherhood // standing

  Never had I experienced true fear or anxiety till becoming a mother. Fragile little souls wrapped in beauty pla...