{#write31days - day 28} silence and stillness

In the present moment, life happens. It happens always. Diligently and gently, abruptly and surprisingly, moving us forward into each next breath we take. On we go, sometimes passively and sometimes actively. Our heart keeps beating and our body keeps warm as our soul seeks new ways to know, love, and serve the good God who knitted together our very intricacies at our very beginning.

It's hard to always be present. It's hard to always seek His Face in our moments, much less, in the few moments of silence that scatter themselves throughout our days.

I'm sitting in my silence right now. I know! Miracle of miracles that all three little souls are asleep right now! at the SAME time! And yet, sitting in this little space of what looks and feels like silence, I look around and do not see a stillness, even though nothing is moving; nor do I hear a silence even though my little people are not being their typical roudy selves.

Instead, I see the strewn legos across a table, scattered battle gear, baby teething toys, dishes uncleaned, a whirling fan, curtains that sway, a dinner that isn't going to make itself, and work to be done...because there's always work to be done, isn't there?

But all is still and silence does surround me.

Silence and stillness are two occasions of life that my little soul has often pursued to know better. My interest began while in graduate school. There was this time I went to adoration with a priest friend. This priest was one of my classmates in a mental health program wanting to learn more about how to better shepherd his flock. Any who knew or know him now are truly blessed.

While we were on our way to adoration, I remember telling him how much I loved the chapel because of the reverent silence that was often present. I yearned for silence in those days as I still do, today. "It's what keeps me sane and prayerful!" I told him.

Upon sharing my sentiment, my dear priest friend looked at me and shared that he couldn't relate to that kind of silence. See, he is one of a handful of Deaf Catholic priests in the US and the concept of silence means something entirely different to him.

He shared that for him, silence was stillness. He appreciated the chapel because of it's stillness. Being Deaf, he hears with his eyes the same way I hear with my ears. This information was profound to me then and still is now. It is an awareness that I know my heart will constantly be unraveling in years to come, thanks be to God.

Stumbling into my nap-time silence today, brought me back to that time, his words, and a new awareness that stirred my soul many moons ago. I'll never forget that conversation or that experience of adoration. I remember how profound the stillness and silence felt that day. It was pouring rain outside. The sounds of the beating drops against the beautiful stained glass of this quaint little chapel is forever etched in my heart. That day, there was silence and stillness only not around me, but within.

"In the silence of the heart You speak 

In the silence of the heart You speak

And it is there that I will know You

And You will know me

In the silence of the heart

You speak, You speak."

-Audrey Assad

Over the years that have passed, what I've noticed, is that no matter what is going on around me whether it be silence or stillness, peace happens when the goodness of stillness and silence are present within my soul.

Stilling my soul is where He meets me; where I can see His Face and know His Presence. It is where He speaks and shares His Truth, Goodness, and Beauty. No matter what is going on around me it is my interior that matters.

“We live in a society in which every space, every moment must be ‘filled’ with initiatives, activities, and sounds. Often there is not ever time to listen or to converse. Dear Brothers and Sisters, let us not be afraid to create silence inside and outside ourselves if we wish to be capable not only of hearing the voice of God, but also the voice of those near us, the voice of our fellow man.” 

-Emeritus Pope Benedict XVI

Finding the right time to pray, to be Mary or to be Martha, to serve, to study, to embrace the ordinary moments, to move, or to be still can all be so confusing and frustrating. No time feels like the right time because there is always sound and there is always movement. But, if we dig down deep and strive to quiet our hearts so that He can stay with us awhile in our interior stillness and silence, the peace that comes is truly good and beautiful.

Babies are up now, but I'm curious:
What does stillness sound like to you? What does silence look like? 

#write31days

revolution of love // october weekly link-up

{#write31days - day 11} if you knew the gift of God

As much as I'm not a morning person, something I know I grumble about way too often on this little space of mine, there really is something so beautiful and revealing about that golden light that quietly creeps into our hearts to help us begin again.

Whether we are stirred by an alarm, a child playing, a baby wanting to nurse, or that golden light, all are calling us into a reality that is filled with gift.

Jesus told the Samaritan woman so very long ago, “If you knew the gift of God..." (John 4:10).  I've always been struck by those words. It's a brief part of scripture that pierces my heart. It makes me feel as if I've locked eyes with my lover in a way that makes me want to read right past it because there is so much weight and love and goodness in those seven little words I can hardly bear it.

Christ's words are beautiful and filled with love and tenderness! If I knew the gift of God? Can you imagine if we truly knew the gift He has for us in our present? Hearts, eyes, souls, minds, and all that we are to be truly open to what He wants to share with us because He is a God of Love. And, if I know anything, where there is love there is gift, always.

But how often do I respond just as the Samaritan woman did; talking past His words, continuing on as if I heard nothing, saw nothing, knew nothing of whom was right in front of me the entire time! Rambling on my way through all of His Teachings, through all of his Goodness and Beauty, is probably where you'd find my mind. I would be talking pragmatics when He would be trying to give me Living Water. He would be trying to nourish my soul while I would be walking away, fighting a love that I was designed to behold.

And yet, in His abounding kindness, He let her ramble. He did not just leave her in her logic, rather, He revealed Himself to her and shared an incredible gift, the gift of Himself.

"The woman said to him, "I know that Messiah is coming (he who is called Christ); when he comes, he will show us all things." Jesus said to her,

"I who speak to you am he."

-John 4:25-26

In the mornings, through my fogginess and exhaustion, I think ahead to my day or I get onto my children for doing x, y, or z things they aren't supposed to be doing so early in the morn and I get lost. All that the day holds for me bombards my senses leaving me frantic rather than filled with excitement and peace. These ambitious efforts of wanting to always have this idealistic experience of love and order for myself and all around me weigh my heart down. Within moments, I've lost sight of that golden light that quietly called me to be still. That sweet, gentle glow filled with warmth and purpose that beckoned my soul to start anew in the warmth and order of the beginning of a new day. 

That light calls me each day to begin anew. It reminds me that today truly is new but that doesn't change the fact that I need to still choose to rise and respond to His Presence and how He tries to reach me.

"He took the child by the hand and said to her, “Talitha koum,” which means,

“Little girl, I say to you, arise!”

-Mark 5: 41

So then what should I do? Knowing all of these things, I need to let my soul whisper the fiat she so much wants to shout, take His Hand, and arise again and again, knowing that He is holding me all the while through the gift of my beating heart.

For more reflections on the gift of the present moment, click below:

#write31days

weekly writing in october // revolution of love

{#write31days - day 7} gifts of summer - part 2

After a high risk pregnancy that kept us close to home and a hospital late last year, we had some traveling to tend to. Family had yet to meet Dandelion and others hadn't seen the boys in quite a while.

It was so nice to share our family with the family that I and my husband grew up with - the same ones who loved us through all of our growing. The ones that saw us from early infancy through to young adulthood all the way through to our present. These family members have blessed us abundantly in more ways we'll ever be able to calculate, but it is an abundance we can assuredly call gift.

Personally, I can remember all the ways my aunts and uncles loved on me always, how my cousins and I played every Sunday at our grandparent's houses, sleepovers, birthdays, etc, and how my grandparents were always there to greet me with a hug filled with a love so true - all these memories and more are what have helped form me over the years in so many silent ways. These kindnesses have helped carry me. I know they've prayed for me through all of my transitional points in life and I know this to be true through their words, letters, and embraces shared every time I went home. It's a beautiful thing to see this good and kind love now shared with our littles and my husband.

Similarly, I love how our kids are so adaptable and ready to love. They enjoy their grandparents the most, but love them some time with aunts and uncles, great-aunts and uncles, second cousins and more. The kids always seem ready to play, explore, enjoy, and embrace the gifts that God has shared with us through so many people.

To follow are the moments of gift I was able to capture. There were so many more pictures I had in mind to take but unfortunately didn't! I can remember Dandelion meeting various loved ones for the first time, and regrettably, I didn't have my camera with me or failed to remember to snap the photos when I did. Either way, I did capture some moments of beauty and goodness and there is gift there too!

To close I'll share this beautiful quote from Self-Abandonment to Divine Providence:

"I shall not count the hours nor the ways of thy approach, dear Love:

thou wilt always be welcome."

-Fr. Jean-Pierre de Caussade, S.J.

#write31days

{#write31days - day 6} gifts of summer - part 1

Taking trips with littles can be tough stuff. Even still, you'll never hear me regret a travel that we took to meet with the gift of family.

God has shared some pretty beautiful people with our little family and any moments we get to steal with them is always such a blessing.

Admittedly, I was pretty exhausted on this trip. Dandelion has had a tough go with cutting teeth, a go that started around this time over the summer. 

And once we got home, it was go time even still. We jumped straight into homeschooling, a last minute trip for a death of a loved one, more teething, more homeschooling, and life.

Being able to look back on all the gifts we had in so many little moments over the summer has shared a peace and goodness with my heart today. Thankfully, I caught some moments with our camera and, in turn, have some pretty strong evidence of His Goodness in our life!

For some reason, I was meant to be in a sleepy stupor during most of this trip. Either way, I'm thankful that I was still able to have a time filled with blessing from all around. Our family helped me when they could by letting me sleep in or steal an afternoon nap, taking the fussy baby if she had been with me for any length, tending to the older two and making sure they were having a beautiful time filled with laughter and fun, asking how I was, sharing amazing food, making sure I had a margarita in hand after putting the baby down for the night, and even changing some stinky diapers for me.

Through this and so much more, I was carried.

"You are seeking the secret of belonging to God, dear souls? There is no other than to make use of everything which God gives you. Everything leads to union with God, everything perfects you, except sin and what is outside your duty; all you have to do is to accept everything and let God act. Everything directs you, keeps you straight and carries you along."

-Fr. Jean-Pierre de Caussade, S.J., Self Abandonment to Divine Providence

#write31days