mommyhood // a birth story for dandelion - part two
Alright! I'm sitting in front of our computer, and just finished typing out part two. Sorry to report we have one more installment but I promise it will only be one more.
How do I know it will only be one more, you may be wondering? That's easy! Part three starts off after quite a bit of happening and my brain was so s l e e p y, which means I'm going to fly through the last part because my memory and brain were half awake and half asleep by this time!
For now, enjoy this part! And, if you missed the first click here!
Now onto the next part! Where was I?...
Ah, yes! The ill-trained front desk woman at labor and delivery who was taking her sweet sweet time while I was having contractions, having some bleeding, all while 37 weeks plus two days with placenta pre v i a.
No. Thank. You. Ill-trained front desk woman for making us wait! She first had us fill out a small sheet. Went to enter stuff in a computer while we w a i t e d what feels like an eternity.
Then she called us to another little spot in the office portion of labor and delivery and wanted some consents signed and papers signed and God knows my brain has no idea what else because scrambled, I tell you! My brain was in the messiest of messy scrambles because contractions, bleeding, previa.
Shaky hand signed all the lines and then we waited. Again.
With a smile, Someone will be here shortly to take you back.
Ah! Good! Night! When we first arrived and were asked to fill out a sheet so she could fill in all the things felt like f o r e v e r, then when we moved onto the next location where we signed and initialed all the things felt like tacking on an eternity more!Now I was supposed to wait even longer for whatever she meant by "shortly".
All the faces!
Thank goodness my husband was there to help keep me focused! I really don't even know what I would have done or not have done had he not been there.
Or rather, I do. Yes. Yes, I do. I would have entered crying my face off after having cried the whole drive there and upon arriving I would not have been able to get the words out of my mouth coherently enough to even get help because snot and tears and ugly cry.
Although, maybe that craziness would have been met with a more urgent response?...
I digress. That's neither here nor there. Back to what happened!
The magical door to triage suddenly OPENED! Lord knows my heart jumped to the moon and back that night when that door opened with a medical professional waiting on the other side of it!
Follow me! So, tell me, what are your symptoms. What brought you to triage?
I'm 37 weeks pregnant, I have placenta previa, I'm bleeding - this is my third bleed and it's the bright red kinddd, and I'm having contractions...consistently.
Insert my crazy concerned face that was desperately pleading that she not use the word wait throughout whatever her response to me was going to be.
Nurse: Oh my goodness! You have previa? She didn't mention that!
Commence faster walking.
Nurse: When did the bleeding start? Okay..Let's. Ya. Let's not go to triage, let's. um. yes. This room will be good. Okay. Who's your doctor? Let's get you hooked up to check those contractions. We're going to take care of you!
Sweet relief to have been met with the true need for urgency that I knew our situation needed!
I got my large self changed into all the nakey uncomfiness that is a hospital gown, was hooked up to the contraction/baby heart rate monitor, and heard a heartbeat.
Thank you, Lord!
Her heart was stable and strong. She was moving. My contractions were lasting one minute and happening every three minutes and my blood was drawn to see how much I had already lost. The on-call doctor was called (Oh, how I wish my obgyn was called to start!) and things were moving.
Meanwhile, life and some serious pregnancy exhaustion was catching up with me. It was already past 11 by this time which means about 30 minutes past my bedtime after a long day. My eyes were heavy, nurses were in and out, and we were trying to keep in touch with family and our friends who were watching our boys to make sure all was well (Not that it wouldn't be! Like I said, God-send! Our angel friend is a God-send who beautifully settled our boys to sleep on what could have been a pretty scary bedtime.).
So what's next?
Nurse: We're waiting to see how much blood you've lost. Your baby seems great which is really good. Your contractions aren't slowing down but they aren't getting worse, which is also good.
Okay, so we wait and then what?
Nurse: Well, your either having that baby tonight or in the morning. I doubt you get to Tuesday since at this point there's no reason to wait especially if these symptoms continue. Let's wait for results and see what the on-call doctor says.
Intermittently, as staff came and went, tears of fear and worry and exhaustion filled my eyes. The unknown and unexpected does that to me, especially when it's so abrupt! Anxiety of the fact that we may be having our cesarean that night. Sad that we didn't have a boy name picked out yet. Sad we left the boys the way we did. I mean all the thoughts and all the emotions were just flooding me! So, I kept it together while staff was there and lost it a little every time they left us alone.
My husband, all the while, was trying to keep me positive in all the ways he could think of. I remember at one point, he was wanting to decide on a boy name. I just couldn't focus though. He kept throwing out names and I was like drowsy face drowsy face no no no tears drowsy face sorry no...oye! I can't do this right now! I can't...
A different nurse came in.
New Nurse: Your results came back and looks like you haven't lost too much blood. The doctor wants us to monitor you for another hour and if your bleeding slows/stays the same and the contractions slow a little, we'll send you home.
Or at least that's what my face screamed and then I mouthed to my husband that I was not leaving this hospital. Send us home? Nope! That was not happening. Even if it meant sleeping in the lobby with my symptoms that obviously weren't much concern to Mrs. on-call doctor. Nope. Sorry! Not happening!
Has our obgyn been called? Can he be called? I just know that these symptoms that I'm here with were the ones he told me would bring about our little one or a potentially scary situation. I just don't see how I can go home after what happened tonight. It was a huge clot that I passed at home...and I'm contracting still which isn't good for the previa..
Words, words, and more words I don't really remember saying but I know I put more words together.
New Nurse: The on-call doctor has been in close touch. We'll just wait and see.
Not moments later our first nurse came in with a different plan.
Nurse: Looks like your going to have your baby tonight. Dr. B is on his way and has asked that we get you prepped to meet your baby.
Again, this is what my face said. That whole phlegmatic, internal, freak-out thing is real.
That was too quick of a shift for me to realize how thankful I was that my OBGYN had been called by one of the nurses despite us being monitored by the on-call doctor. I mean, really. I did not want that on-call doctor monitoring us much less potentially delivering our sweet one! I had been praying that some how our OBGYN would be contacted because I knew he would come. Thanks be to God, one of the nurses saw that the on-call doctor was being a little to laxed about it all and that Dr. B did need to be called. Also, I know our OBGYN really tries to deliver all his patients, so maybe he has a note asking to be called for cases like this? Who knows! All I know is that he was informed and I am forever grateful!
Anyways, I let the nurses chat it out before I started with my questions.
New Nurse: But I just talked to on-call doctor and she said to...blah blah blah
Nurse: Nope, just talked to Dr. B. He's on his way. He said she needs to be prepped and that he'll be here within the hour. He's going to deliver her baby as soon as he gets here if she's ready and prepped.
God-send nurse came in with that sudden shift of to-do's and shared she was done with her shift. She wished us well and I was sad to see her go. But, new nurse was nice enough, even though she freaked me out with on-call directives she was only the messenger.
But good God, was I tired at this point! Now I had to try and fathom having surgery within an hour, meeting our newest family member right after that, and then life. Life with a newborn was going to start after that. God-willing.
Commence flooding my brain with all. the. thoughts. I mean a l l the thoughts! as well as Jesus, I trust in You, Mother Mary, hold me in your prayers, and St. Anne, please pray for us, et. al. on repeat.
My husband and I had a few moments here and there to try and process what was happening. He had sent messages to our family letting them know what was happening. Meanwhile, he was trying to keep me upbeat, present, and awake!
Then, amidst all the processing and all the happening, I got a text from a new friend of mine. She has been through this ordeal twice, God bless her and her family! and she had reached out when she found out I was pregnant with previa. She texted me this prayer and I am forever grateful because it truly grounded me.
Prayer to Our Lady of La Leche during Pregnancy
O Lord Jesus Christ, through the intercession of Your tender Mother, Our Lady of La Leche, who bore You close to her heart during those long months before Your birth, I place my baby and myself entirely in Your Hands. Free me, I beseech You, from useless and consuming worry. Accept the sacrifice of my aches and pains, which I unite to Your sufferings on the Cross. Above all, most merciful and loving Jesus, protect this child You have given to me from all harm, bestowing the health and vigor every baby needs. Implant in my heart and on my lips the words and prayers of Your Mother and mine, our Lovely Lady of La Leche. All this I ask that my child and I may live to praise forever Your Holy Name. Amen.I read this. Not sure how many times but goodness I read this prayer and held it in my heart like you wouldn't believe. I tried to truly let go. I tried to let peace settle. To let excitement settle. Telling myself that today is our littlest one's birthday. Today is the day.
Today is the day I get to be a mama again by the grace and goodness of His Will and miracles. Today, we would find out if our baby is a he or a she. To look at each other. To hear each other. To know each other.
Today was going to be that day. I knew I needed to let go. So let go with all my might I did as best I could. Bravery, courage, peace, trust, joy, and surrender were all my mama heart's goals from those moments onward.
Thanks for reading, friends, and sorry to leave you hanging once more! I'll be back soon to finish off this little birth story for our beautiful Dandelion soon.
Click here to go onto the last installment!