Wednesday, September 10, 2014

the present moment // crazy beautiful

We had some late morning water painting play just a day before craziness hit our home. We thought the craziness was already present with both boys having Hand Foot Mouth, but then things decided to take a turn for the worst (if you can believe that!). 

One cannot love without suffering. He [Jesus] showed us this very clearly upon the cross, where He was consumed for love of us. And it is still the same every day in the Blessed Sacrament of the Altar... Since love makes lovers one in likeness, if we love, let us model our lives on His. 
-St. Margaret Mary Alocoque

Thinking about // How quickly things got crazy. Linus had a hard night on Friday. The very same day we were out and about water painting. My back pain was on the up and things were looking good since the boys were slowly but surely healing up.

I never knew that I was going to wake up Saturday morning, barely able to stand on my own two feet. I couldn't walk, sit, stand, lay down, get up, or anything without an insane amount of crippling pain in my lower back. It was nuts and very scary. We went to my chiro who I had been seeing and she basically referred us back to our primary care physician in hope to get medication to help relax the inflammation and pain I was having. Only, since it was a Saturday I was supposed to endure the pain through the weekend. Come Sunday morning, my pain was worsening (something I didn't know was possible) so we made an appointment with a nearby Urgent Care facility. Upon arrival we were told to go to the ER since the pain I was having was not something they could help with.

Soon enough, we were on our way to the ER. I was crying both from pain and fear. We drove past our Church where we would not be attending Mass and my oldest told me I should say Hi to Jesus. Tears just kept streaming. It's a scary thing to be in so much pain. Hoplessness and fear that you won't be able to get back to a normal place of movement again started hitting me so hard. Fears of not being able to tend to my babies or that maybe we wouldn't be able to have any more babies because of this problem. Thought, thoughts, and more thoughts just kept streaming.

We arrived at the ER and they brought me in, asked some questions, then gave me a shot for the pain. Something that made me nauseous into the evening (bleh!). But it did take the edge off in the pain department. The next day we started getting in touch with Neurosurgeons to try and see if we could get an appointment, but low and behold, we needed an MRI which could be ordered by our PCP, so then we needed that appointment to get the other appt, etc, etc, etc.

Thankfully we found a PCP that had an early appt the following day. We signed up and said many a prayers. I'm so glad Holy Spirit brought us to this doctor. She was wonderful, quick to take action, and scheduled us for an MRI the very same day. She sensed the urgency from seeing my lack of mobility and gauged the pain I was still in despite the pain medication I was taking. She prescribed a few other medications in place of the others (they were making me so ill!) as well as gave me two more shots. My bottom has never seen so many needless in such a short time span but has never been so grateful for it too!

After leaving her office, I felt hopeful and thankful that we were able to get a doctor that was so responsive and helpful. Apparently getting same-day MRIs are very hard to come by. Since seeing her, with the medication she provided, I have been able to regain walking ability, standing on my own, and am able to sit for longer lengths of time. This is a HUGE improvement if you can believe that!

We should hear back about the MRI either later today or sometime tomorrow and then will be following whatever next steps we need to so I can full recover and get back to tending to my babies and my home.

Feeling so crippled does something to you. I have cried so many tears these last few days and all for the gratitude of my husband and how has been caring for me in a time of sickness. He has been my hero these days, caring for our boys, making meals, all the while, helping me get from point A to point B.

So all of this, all of this is what I keep rehashing in my mind. Over and over again. Praying for a future of recovery and amazed at how quickly our turn for the worst took place. It's amazing, the opportunities of suffering that can be allowed in our lives. So much good has already come from the many prayers we have been shared from family and friends. So much goodness. God knows and sees my mama heart yearning to mother her family and home. And, I see how He meets me. How he has met me in so many different places.

Praying for // Healing. That I may be able to recovery fully and come out of this stronger than before. Not only physically but emotionally and spiritually as well. I'd also love to pray for any of your intentions during our trials, so please email me or share some in the comments. I will joyfully lift them up while we're figuring all this craziness out.

Also, praying for my husband. That God continue to bless him with the amazing peace, goodness, and strength He has already been blessing him with. Also that He continue to bless him with this beautiful servant's heart that he has had for myself and our boys throughout this trying time.

Lastly, I'm praying for our boys. They know something has been up and being so little don't have the words to express whatever they may be feeling. In turn, we have been having rounds of tantrums and acting out that isn't normal for them (especially my 3 year old). It has been hard for them as well as for us. So, if you could join me in praying for them as well and that we have the grace to help them communicate whatever they may be feeling during this trying time for our little family.

Thankful for // All the gifts and blessings He has shared with us during this difficult time. Amazing strength and presence with my husband. I don't know how he's been enduring so much and being so amazing all at the same time. He has been so very selfless and I am forever grateful for how he loves me.

It's almost as he knew I would need family during this time. My mom recently took a new job that brings her up to Dallas ever few weeks. It just so happened she was coming to our house yesterday to stay the night and flying back home this afternoon. Having her here for that short but perfect time was such a God-send. She played with the boys, took them outside, made us breakfast, cleaned our kitchen, washed and folded clothes (all this and more in such a short time!). Such a gift!

My brother has been so encouraging during my times of discouragement. He's a physical therapist so he knows a thing or two about all that's going on with me. He has helped me work through this medical system that can be crazy, given us referrals, watched the boys while we went to the MRI and will be watching the boys again tomorrow afternoon so my husband can get back to work at work rather than from home. So thankful for all he's done and continues to do.

Friends and family have been offering to share meals with us and just reaching out in such a beautiful way. Our friends and family are so good and their prayers have been such gift!

And, I'm just so thankful that after all this medication (Oy!) I am back to walking slowly but carefully and more importantly, on my own! So so so very thankful!

Thankful for the fact that the boys are almost fully healed from that terrible virus called Hand Foot Mouth! Their blisters are nearly gone and thankfully healing up well! This virus was definitely a tough one but we got through it and I couldn't be more happy that it's behind us!

Also, I'm thankful for meeting a new saint. Saint Gemma Galgani has been there for me in the prayer department, I know. I have crossed her name so many times and never took the time to get to know her until now. Until I had crippling back pain, something she is all too familiar with. I'm so grateful for her prayers and look forward to getting to know her more throughout this journey!

It is true Jesus, if I think of what I have gone through as a child and now as a grown up girl I see that I have always had crosses to bear; But oh! how wrong are those who say that suffering is a misfortune! 
-St. Gemma Galgani

Remembering // The sweet time we had outside on our patio painting with water. The boys loved every moment. As did their mama. It's fills my heart to see them enjoying being outside as well as each other.

So, I know this was a lengthy Currently, but it is where I currently am. Things are crazy and unknown but there is a hope that things will be known soon and there will be a plan for full recovery which is good. I want to remember the crazy and the beautiful because it's here where I learn and grow in love and goodness. It's also where I grow to trust and hope in Him alone. All this and a huge dose of good ol' humility. 

Ever had insane back problems? What prayers/saints got you through?

A Mama Collective


  1. Oh my. I am so so sorry and can totally empathize. I was out last year for over a week with the same type of thing. I woke up very sore and then dared to SNEEZE and dropped to the floor from the pain and couldn't move. My one leg is still numb on one side from the nerve damage. I wish I had something great that would help. I know our mattress really aggravates it and would love to get a new one. I'll totally take some prayers for our women's group, my sisters struggling with infertility, and the conversion of several family members. I'll be praying for you!

  2. I'm sorry, Amanda. It is so humbling to be knocked out like this. I spent a week in August being so dizzy I had a hard time walking. I will be praying for you, and especially for your boys as you guys go through this. If you could pray for peaceful family interactions, that would be great (we have what could be a difficult weekend coming up).

    1. It really is so very humbling, Ann-Marie! Did you ever find out what was causing the dizzy spells? I remember when I was pregnant with Eli I had very low blood pressure that was causing dizziness on the regular! Not fun. Thank you so much for your prayers, and I will definitely keep your intentions with me. Prayers for peace and His Good Will be done.

  3. Oh, Amanda, I am so sorry. It sounds like an awful ordeal. Praying that the tests come back and there are obvious answers about what it and what can be done. The quotes you chose from St. Margaret Mary and St. Gemme are beautiful.

    1. Thank you for your prayers, Theresa. It really was pretty awful and I'm normally one to not let things get to me - especially physical (so I'm sure there are just a ton of lessons somewhere amidst all of this I'm probably missing!). The saints are always a comfort to me. I love their wisdom and presence in our lives!


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