motherhood // standing

 

Never had I experienced true fear or anxiety till becoming a mother.

Fragile little souls wrapped in beauty placed within me three times, thus far. These precious little souls awakened my own awareness of, not only my own soul, but the soul of my husband and others I encounter through friendship, family, and happenstance more than previously possible.

Recently, I was sitting next to young missionary girls at a dinner. One of the young women asked me what has been the most profound experience or truth I have discovered since becoming a mother.

Given that this was my first encounter with this young woman and she was excited and happy to just chat about life, I was happy to oblige with an answer. However, she had just asked me one of those questions that not only make you try to form words to experiences known so intimately from the depths of you, but also that make you spiral back through your entire life, again, trying to comprise words that could give justice to the realities only known by the heart.

I looked at her, because in truth, I have thought of this before (remember, I'm an INFP to the core), and told her,

Never have I known the true weight and glory of another's soul till becoming a mother.

Those are the only words I've been able to string together to encompass the truth of carrying another person within me. The weight after my firstborn came into my arms was so real and good and beautiful. Then, the weights of our second born and third born that followed all delighted my own soul in really big ways.

But as much as there has been such delight and sheer joy at the amazing gift of life and having been that instrument, there has been just as much anxiety, and at times, fear that tries to seep in more often than I care for.

Any sickness, severe or minor, has pierced my heart. Every injury or wail from the other room, has put my heart in a panic from within. Almost like there is something inside me, a part of them still left, that mimics their pain.

There's been times when I thought I would have to let my Lord have them sooner than my heart was ready. And there's been times when their suffering, untouchable by my simple hands, has spun me round in a whirlwind of hope and fear, a desire to love and dizzying anxiety.

In these times, prayer has been my consolation. My husband has also been such a stronghold. Scripture has wrapped me in blankets of stories of those of old and their own wisdom in times of trial. Mother Church and her communion of saints has also lit a pathway present and forward that proved good, honest, and needed. All of this, wrapped in His Grace, are what have brought me to where I am today, able to look back and and hopefully, look at my present and say, all is well, all is well, in all manner of things, all shall be well.

Words really have a way of calming my soul into stillness, as does Truth, Beauty, and Goodness. The saints and their heroic lives also meet my soul in a way that is so encouraging! So, to bring words, Truth, Goodness, and Beauty, and the saints together, I'm going to share seven + one bits of wisdom below that has helped me withstand deciet a time or many.

St. Patrick's "Breastplate" prayer:

The prayer, in full, is so incredibly powerful! Have you ever prayed the full prayer? Definitely worth every word! Prior to discovering the full prayer, I had only known the more commonly seen portion of it:

Christ with me,
Christ before me,
Christ behind me,
Christ in me,
Christ beneath me,
Christ above me,
Christ on my right,
Christ on my left,
Christ when I lie down,
Christ when I sit down,
Christ when I arise,
Christ in the heart of every man who thinks of me,
Christ in the mouth of everyone who speaks of me,
Christ in every eye that sees me,
Christ in every ear that hears me.

While the portion I was familiar with is also beautiful and good, the full prayer is just so strong, powerful, and commanding.

“So have no fear of them; for nothing is covered up that will not be uncovered, and nothing secret that will not become known.”

-Matthew 10:26

"Stop entertaining those vain fears. Remember it is not feeling which constitutes guilt but the consent to such feelings. Only the free will is capable of good or evil. But when the will sighs under the trial of the tempter and does not will what is presented to it, there is not only no fault but there is virtue."

-St. Padre Pio

"Consult not your fears but your hopes and your dreams. Think not about your frustrations, but about your unfulfilled potential. Concern yourself not with what you tried and failed in, but with what it is still possible for you to do."

- Pope John XXIII


"But immediately he spoke to them and said, “Take heart, it is I; do not be afraid.”

-Mark 6:50

"In all the events of life, you must recognize the divine will. Adore and bless it, especially in the things which are the hardest for you."

- St. Padre Pio

“Do not fear what may happen tomorrow. The same loving Father who cares for you today will care for you tomorrow and every day. Either he will shield you from suffering or He will give you unfailing strength to bear it. Be at peace then and put aside all anxious thoughts and imaginings.”

-St. Francis de Sales

-

While the joy and delight of the gift of life being shared with my husband and I has been one of the most profound experiences of our lives up to this point, there are times where I struggle with trusting in Him. In those times, fear and anxiety run over me and it feels awful. These words of wisdom, encouragement, and truth have all been anchors for my soul, forcing me to stand on grounds formed of Truths rather than the sinking sands of deceit that the father of lies spews at me.

Becoming a mother has truly allowed me to have these extravagant tastes of Heaven that I do not deserve, and it has also made the soul, eternity, and salvation that much more real. The real is the life-saving part, but can all too easily, become my fault that spins me further away from the heart of my vocation. A spin, that if left unattended, can leave me in the most disoriented and dizzy state!

-

How do you all combat deceit or falsehoods in your life? Do you have amazing sounding boards in your spouse or a best friend or parent? Do you fill yourself with scripture or wisdom from the saints? OR perhaps, something entirely different? I'd love to know!

-

Prayers that we can all move towards the heart of our vocation and stay there with gratitude, delight, joy, and authentic presence more often than let the dizzies invade!

linking up with Kelly for some quick-takes

the side of love // taking the time

There's a beautiful rhythm to our world. We see it in the seasons that guide us through death and new life every year. The rhythm calls to us. It calls to our souls that yearn for the Unseen because it is in what is seen that makes the Unseen known.

In a similar way, we experience seasons. Seasons of health and seasons of sickness, seasons of death and of new life, seasons of growth and seasons of stillness, and seasons of every possible opposition that exists in our little world.

A few years ago, my soul entered a season of stillness. The season felt like it was filled with so many words that displayed such amazing thought and Truth, and yet, a season in which my soul could not form comparable words on this little webspace of mine. It's almost as if my soul was so filled it couldn't possibly reveal the gifts that it was relishing in. And so, this season has felt like a sort of retreat of my heart, will, and mind.

During this time, I kept feeling the Holy Spirit nudge.

Rest.

Be still.

Know.

Now, I know I've chatted about rest in this little space of mine. Rest is just something that comes naturally to me, sometimes in times that are fantastic and nourishing, and in other times, in a way that is easily seen as vice! 

But this was a different sort of rest. The kind of rest that us phlegmatic/INFP's are absolutely stellar at is not what He was asking of me, rather, more of a rest of my brain and heart! In other words, He grabbed my hand, walked me away from here, and asked me to take some time to try and still the inner constancy of my brain.

This retreat has been incredibly amazing. The gift of Mother Church, Her teachings, all that surrounds us in the wisdom of the faithful - old and new, the incredible otherworldliness of universal truths, and more are what my mind, heart, and soul have been continually filled with these last couple of years. To say, I'm thankful doesn't even begin to cut it!

And yet, through it all, my little soul has been stunned into silence. There's been such a filling of Truth, that leaves me not knowing where to begin.

There's beauty in new beginnings. We see it every season. We see it at every end to a season, too. The fruits are seen and known and serve our hearts in such good ways. Only, if we take the time to see it.

--

So, till the next time I take the time to see and know, how do you take time to notice how He speaks to you in your season or present?

Is it easy? What are the distractions? What are the encouragements? 

the side of love // i want to make Him known

Emptiness.

Nothing.

Stillness.

Stirring.

Have you ever felt these things? or maybe, have you ever wondered, why?, these things are ever present within you?

I sure have.

In fact, for some time now, every time I came to write here, these very words rose up in me and stilled me.

In that stillness there is nothing but stillness. There is nothing but an emptiness that leaves me feeling I have nothing to offer - no words to put together, no thoughts that make sense, nothing to say - nothing.

And yet, there is a stirring that does not go away. A stirring that keeps swirling within me. It's this little fire that sways, keeping a warmth within me filled with hope and desire and the whisper of in His time.

I don't know what or when or how often I should be on this little webhome of mine, but I do know that I've asked Him for time, a request I notice Him answering in spurts, here and there spurts that I need to embrace. I also know that He hasn't taken my heart's desire to be in this little space, which is a truth I will not let pass me by, with His Grace.

So, with that, I'm going to open up my blogger page every time I sense a stirring. I'm going to go to the blankness and emptiness and nothingness of the white space with the tiny blinking cursor and ask my heart to put the words, she so much desires to puzzle through, out in the world.

Emptiness.

Nothing.

Stillness.

Stirring.

In all of these things, there He is. Through all of these things, I want to make Him known.

--

How have you responded to the experience of emptiness, nothing, stillness, or stirring? How has He met you in these times?

the side of love // what i'm capable of

While mustering the good will, strength, and decisions filled with grace to share cheerfulness in our home doesn't always come easily to the sinner that I am; there are moments. Thanks be to God, there are moments!

Little by little each moment builds upon the last, each being filled with grace by the One who loved each of us first. My imperfect self, the instrument that is found in our home and family, wants to see amazing love all around my family and I in every moment. Realistic? Not so much. Truly though, I just want to see our children being loved as their Father in Heaven loves them! I want this for them all day/everyday - BUT, this instrument also does not want any troubles or hiccups, ever.

Truth is, days filled with perfection just can't be. Or, at least, not in this life. I pray for the grace that the hearts of those around me are still being filled despite me, because that's what I desire. I want the hearts around me to be held by all the little moments filled with grace, His Grace!

Moments of grace can be hard to see sometimes, but I know we all experience them. Those fleeting times filled with snuggles, dancing, smiles, embraces, chatter, play, flirting eyes, hugs, sweetness, serving, conversations that keep us close, and more. When I take the time to see the grace, despite my chaos, life feels more manageable.

Here in my present, moments are what I'm capable of. The present moment is where I am and; therefore, where I'm called to love. Whether I am ruining a moment by my own grievous fault or filling it with beauty, love, goodness, and truth, it's these moments that shape me, my family, and in a very teeny tiny way, the world around me.

Thankfully, He is found in my present moment loving little me and those around me DESPITE my failings. Thankfully, there is grace that abounds. Thankfully, I and all I meet were created by a God who loves them more than we'll ever fully know. Thankfully, He works through ALL things. Thankfully!

When I think of being and doing all the things, my heart feels so overwhelmed and burdened into a stillness that feels like paralysis and short breathes but when I am able to bring myself to my present, that's where I can find Him holding me and nudging me along my little way. 

His nudges are good and sweet and constant - just what I need during my highs and most especially, during my lows.

Are you familiar with the lows? The ones where you can't get outside yourself. The ones where you burrow into self, self, and more self. The ones where you lose sight of what it's all about amidst joy and amidst suffering. The ones where you can't see that there is something greater happening for the sake of His Glory and Goodness. Moments just seem to slip away and you're left wondering where they all went.

I know I do. In fact, I'm v e r y familiar with this place. 

BUT, I find joy and peace in knowing that whether I acknowledge that there is something greater happening or not, whether I live in that Truth or not, He truly is being made known. 

He is always being made known.

Christ didn't just share the joy and glory and goodness of His amazing Resurrection with us so that we could always live in that exhilarating moment. He lived His journey first. The one filled with moments. The journey filled with family, friends, growth, joy, sorrow, parables, fear, sadness, goodness, and hope. The journey of Love made known in all things was His first. Thanks be to God.

"On the evening of that first day of the week, when the doors were locked, where the disciples were, for fear of the Jews, Jesus came and stood in their midst and said to them, “Peace be with you.”

When he had said this, he showed them his hands and his side. The disciples rejoiced when they saw the Lord."

-John 20:19-20

That day He met his disciples in their fear. He met them in their moment and brought them so much joy and peace. Meeting them there was important to Him. How beautiful and encouraging is that?! He went to them, made Himself known, and loved them.

That day so long ago, His disciples needed their hearts to be awakened just as much as we need ours to be awakened today. We need our souls to be awakened not only to the Truth of His Victory so that we may rejoice but also to the Truth of every single one of His moments that amounted to a journey that revealed to us all that is true, good, and beautiful.

Moments matter. They mattered then when He journeyed to the Cross, and they matter now as we are seeking Him amidst our daily grind, thanks be to God!

the side of love // on silence and mothering

There was a time, while I lived in DC, that religious life was on my mind and heart. It was a small whisper that I know I wanted but a whisper that Our Lord would ultimately turn to silence, obviously. Nonetheless, it was a thought that I was actively exploring in my heart and through my prayers.

Our Sweet Lord appeased me, funny enough, by sharing this teeny tiny whisper with a friend of mine who encouraged me to join her on venturing out to see the Missionaries of Charity. Anxiously, timidly, and excitedly I went.

I don't know what I was expecting. Maybe a rush of understanding that this was the place He was calling me to? Maybe a feeling of home? Maybe overwhelming peace?

While I did feel many of these things, I didn't feel them the way I thought I would and had prayed I would. Though, because the Lord is good and all-knowing and uses all to His good and Holy Will, this experience was exactly what I needed and has bore much fruit not only in my single life but also in my present vocation as wife and mother.

--

For a little background, my friend and I visited with the sisters, saw their life and how they cared for the least of these. A kind sister, the sweetest and gentle of souls, guided and shared with us to her hearts content. This sister spent a number of years in the presence of the very saint that was canonized today - St. Teresa of Calcutta. I remember thinking how amazing it was that she got to spend so much time in the presence of a woman who was surely going to be canonized some day! Sister delightedly relayed bits and pieces of that life and my soul just quietly took it all in.

As we were leaving, Sister kindly gave a few odds and ends for us to take home with us. One small and simple thing she gifted me was a card that had two prayers on it; two prayers that I have kept close to my heart more than I ever thought I would in the years to come.

Being the introvert that I am, silence is a very desirable and good thing for my heart and my peace. For me, when I first read this prayer, silence was the romance that was spoken throughout my visits with Christ in the Blessed Sacrament. I truly romanticized any and all moments of silence. Christ was there in my present, loving me. The quietness that soothed my soul was time well spent but did not get me out of my comfort, but rather, nourished the very core of me.

"The fruit of SILENCE is Prayer.The Fruit of PRAYER is Faith.The fruit of FAITH is Love.The fruit of LOVE is Service.The fruit of SERVICE is Peace."

-St. Teresa of Calcutta

In contrast, there's St. Teresa of Calcutta, a woman's who's silence was something similar to mine but also very different. It was not only had during times spent in front of the Blessed Sacrament where her soul was nourished by His True Presence but one that also poured forth into her ministry to bless others with a beautiful and good love. Her SILENCE stretched all the way out into PEACE. Her soul did not stop at faith or love but moved out into SERVICE and finally a PEACE that surpasses all understanding. The very peace that stirred the souls around her - mine included.

I needed that awareness then as I do now, every day. The fruit of silence is not only had in front of Christ in an Adoration Chapel. No. It is and should also be had from deep within me as I encounter Christ in the least of these in my home, in my family, in my friendships, in strangers, in chores, in work, and in all I do. Silence starts from within if we let Him settle into the little nooks of our soul in hopes that prayer, faith, love, service, and peace will pour fourth into the gifts that they are, not only for ourselves, but for others too.

The other prayer that I wanted to share is what is on the backside of the Fruit of Silence prayer. This prayer took my heart by storm but not until I became a mother.

"Mary, Mother of Jesus, Be a Mother to me now."

-St. Teresa of Calcutta

While in graduate school, my now husband and I came back into each others' lives to journey towards the vocation which God had called us to, marriage. Little did I know how much the backside of this prayer card would meet me in my darkest of nights.

You see, today I am not only called wife, but I am also called mama by three little souls. No name has ever been so challenging and humbling. Never have I felt the weight of another's soul more than since becoming a mama. This truth only God knew that my little soul would need while on my journey Home.

Truth be told, nothing could have prepared me for what motherhood has entailed. It has broken me and built me only to break and rebuild me again and again. It has brought me to my knees in ways I never knew possible.

10:00 PM (cue crying newborn) Mary, Mother of Jesus, be a mother to me now.

11:00 PM (Cue crying baby) Mary, Mother of Jesus, be a mother to me now.

1:00 AM (Cue wailing infant) Mary, Mother of Jesus, be a mother to me now.

3:00 AM (Cue scared and crying toddler) Mary, Mother of Jesus, be a mother to me now.

5:00 AM (Cue a child who has had a bad dream) Mary, Mother of Jesus, be a mother to me now.

7:00 AM (Cue children, ready to start their day) Mary, Mother of Jesus, be a mother to me now.

On REPEAT.

When I say, darkest of nights, this is what I refer to. It's darker than dark in the middle of night, especially if it's your third, fourth, fifth, etc night of very little sleep. It's even darker when you know there is a beautiful soul calling you mama, tugging on your heart by simply asking for love, while all you can think of is needing/wanting more s l e e p now.

Never have I ever needed a mother more than while trying to mother my own children in the middle of the night on little to no sleep or during the day following said night. Never have I needed Our Lady to bring the prayers of my heart to Our Lord than while trying to love these precious gifts He shared with my husband and I. Broken and tired, I would get up, respond, tend, and try to love but not without pleading to be mothered myself first. 

Today's newly canonized saint knew what it was to give of herself through the night until she felt like she could give no more. She knew and her heart formed these words together into what has been a balm and strength and comfort to my own mothering heart during my dark nights of trying to love those nearest to me. I felt held and loved by the powerful praying words of Our Lady as I tried to hold and love a snuggled up child given to us by her Son.

The beauty of Mother Teresa's heart and how she has shared it with the world truly are an everlasting blessing to all of us that are still soldiering on. I know her words will continue to form and encourage my own walk on this earth, which is exciting and truly gift - a gift that landed in my life in the form of a small and simple prayer card so very long ago.

--

Deo Gratias, for today's beautiful and newly canonized saint! Deo Gratias, for the goodness, truth, and beauty she has shared with the world! and, Deo Gratias, for all the ways her obedient and good soul has shared strength, perspective, and love to my own little soul that is still journeying on.

St. Teresa of Calcutta, ora pro nobis.

the side of love // claiming the good

"Cheerfulness strengthens the heart and makes us persevere in a good life. Therefore, the servant of God ought always to be in good spirits."

-St. Philip Neri

Prior, the saints were so good at claiming His Truths and sharing wisdom with their words. That was their gift! They weren't random ramblers like I. So when I read St. Philip Neri's words, my heart leaped, rested in them, and tried to claim them. 

In my efforts to claim Neri's wisdom and encouragement, I rambled in my own little rambling way which is now in the form of a draft post on my dashboard. After I got my rambles out, I decided that the best way I can claim my moments today, filled of cheerfulness and good spirits, is by sharing these moments of love that happened over our last month.

So here I am claiming my moments filled with cheerfulness and good spirits through my lens. It's what I have and I'm thankful for it!

***

Our precious napper.

It was somebunny's first Easter!

Family photo for the win!

These boys in all their awesome brotherness.

Seriously! I love their love for each other!

Days outside.

Big brother snuggles.

St. Joseph's feast day was hit.

Love this man and how he loves us.

Days spent doing what he loves to do - dragons and knights, knights and dragons.

Meanwhile, our little athlete enjoying the sunshine, sports, and racing his shadow.

The first time Linus held Dandelion was a sweet one.

Sweetheart was baptized and it was filled with all kinds of beauty and love.

Gifts from family, friends, and loved ones have been generous and kind!

Her smiles! Her giggles! So much good!

Rainy days are best together.

Bigfoot is growing so quickly! This moment below, my husband and I thought the exact same thing...he won't be small enough to pick up for much longer. Oh. my. heart!

My happy place is definitely one filled with sunshine and snuggles.

Our sweet sleeper.

Park days have been the best!

Mama hasn't been experiencing her typical creative outlet of blogging but she has been crafting up a little comfy storm over here and loving it.

Milk drunk smiles.

A girl after her mama's blanket loving heart.

Open windows, cool breezes, and all the bugs this little container can manage.

More mama crafting fun!

More of our sleepy angel who has been such a treasure in this department. As much as I'm tired and physically achy from healing, regaining my strength, and wanting a bit more sleep, she really has been such a good sleeper!

Finished projects feel so good!

And this moment, this day, was definitely one of my favorites over this last month. She giggled every time he poured water over her head. It was the sweetest.

Happy Easter, friends! May your days be filled with little moments that share His Face and Goodness!

the side of love // my Lenten companion

The darkness of the night slowly departs. Another day, another hour, and another moment to intentionally live. 

Morning light, heavy eyes and tired arms with a soul not yet awake. 

Every morning, my little heart is met with light. The same light He created ages, and what can seem like, worlds ago. Yes, my little heart is greeted each morning with the chance and opportunity to say Here I am Lord, I am listening, but instead it's usually met with grumble, grumble, sigh, toss and a just five more minutes, please.

Thomas A. Kempis and I have become friends this Lenten season. A friendship my heart and soul are pretty thankful for! After reading this bit of his wisdom, I was sure that my new friend, Mr. Kempis, was looking me straight in the face with one of those faces.

Me, with my negligence and constant wasting of time, often forgetting that all these little daily fiats are the very building blocks of the same virtues my soul so desperately desires.

Morning light? Grumble. Daily dishes? sooo tired... Breaking up an argument here and cleaning up an accident there?...Bah! Again? Laundry? All the Grumble. Grumble. Grumble.

I'm good at grumbling my way through a day. Good at being tired with life before the sun hits my sleepy eyes. Ha! And if we're being honest, I'm so good at it that my grumbling for the next day of life often can start the moment I lay my head down on my pillow the night before! I'm that good, people!

And yet, as much as my failings are true, His goodness is even truer!

Phew!!

There's no pausing life. It continues with oodles upon oodles of similar moments and choices and opportunities to say YES, Lord, show me! I am ready to do Your Will! Form me! Change me! Let your light shine through me so that others may know your goodness!

But then there's me and my grumbles. Again. 

One of the reasons I love the saints and holy men and women - past and present - is because when I'm at my worst, grumbling my way through life, there they are saying, been there, done that, let me pray for you as only someone who understands can! or Hey, let me show you what I thought and did that changed my every little breath into love of Him!

It's a beautiful thing to not have to go it alone. It's an incredible thing to not have to figure it all out by ourselves. He knew. He knew we would need help and so He sent us these holy men and women to share their hearts with us. To teach us. To show us the rugged paths that their feet have touched. The same path that led them straight back into His arms.

It's such a good thing!

Little by little, Lent is honing my heart into something more. I fail, I grumble, but I keep on keeping on in my own personal little dessert. Just as He did. One step at a time. One temptation at a time. Taking my friends with me and a whole lot of JESUS.

"Adversity is the best test of virtue. The occasions of sin do not weaken anyone; on the contrary, they show that person's true worth."

- Thomas A. Kempis

So let's Lent on, my friends, one trial at a time! Let's continue upward and onward in the face of adversity, offering our little fiats when we can, seeking wisdom from those who have walked before us and those around us that are so good at sharing His Goodness already! But mostly, let's allow Our Almighty to wrap us in His Morning Light again and again and again and Again, because that's how virtues for love of Him are formed!

Mr. Kempis has been my companion throughout this Lenten season thus far, who has been yours? Share who and how and let's encourage each other in the combox!

the side of love // beautiful love

When I was 12 years young, I began a journey that would be one of the biggest gifts I would ever receive. I attended a Youth 2000 Retreat a few months after having injured my lower back and was in a bit of a vulnerable place. I was seeking comfort and hope. I was longing for something more.

At the time, my little teenager self was so very devastated about my injury. Thankfully, being active in my youth group, my parents and youth ministers encouraged me to attend this retreat. Thankfully, I said a little yes that would easily become one of my biggest.

Prior to this little injury, one that kept me from playing summer sports (Tennis was my absolute favorite!), I had also lost my beloved grandmother. In fact, I had a beautifully vivid dream the night before she passed. I woke up crying because I knew how much I'd miss her. How much my heart would be torn and how much turmoil my little teenager self would feel! The morning of my dream, after waking with my own tears, I remember walking to the hallway and seeing my mom walk in the door with tears in her own eyes. The kind of tears that had been streaming for awhile. The kind of tears that only a daughter can shed at the loss of her mother.

Amidst these two events, the emotional crazy of  middle school and high school proceeded as they always would.

Onto the retreat, and I can easily say that it was exactly what my heart needed. Falling in Love with the One who shared beautiful love through my grandmother was what I needed. Healing in the gift of Eucharistic Adoration was exactly what my flesh yearned for. Love, healing, and learning to Trust the One who has been with me all along was what I had been seeking all along. That weekend, my journey with Him whom my soul has always longed for, began. It was kind of wonderful. It was kind of beautiful. And, it was all kinds of grace-filled.

That weekend, so long ago, c h a n g e d me.

I went through high school with friends who I still love more than they'll ever know. They helped keep me looking up. Looking to the One who is Love. They helped me during sad times and laughed with me during happy times. We walked together, learning, growing, and living in His Grace and Goodness. Living in His Love through the gift of community and faith.

During college, my journey with Love grew more than I could have ever fathomed. He met me in Mass, He met me in prayer, He met me in every theology and spiritual read I could get my hands on, He met me for 40 days in Eucharistic Adoration during Lent and more...

He always met me, held me through heartache, loved me through friends and community and family, and cared for me in the beautiful treasures of our Faith.

Fast forward to today and not much has changed.

"I wait for the LORD, my soul waits and I hope for his word. 

My soul looks for the Lord more than sentinels for daybreak. 

More than sentinels for daybreak.."  

-Psalm 130: 5-6

Fast forward to today and everything has changed.

See, back when I was 12, the Truth, and Goodness, and Beauty that He is became more real to me than my own beating heart. Grace upon grace held me and kept me. Seeking Him became second nature. It's what I did with the help of Mother Church, family, friends, community, and all the gifts He had shared with me along the way. It's also what I did because my parents blessed me with prayer, Mass, and love throughout my childhood - a pathway I was blessed to be on that lead me to Him in a mysteriously beautiful way.

I learned to wait. I learned to wait on Him, because at the end of each and everyday that's all there was. He was and has always been all there ever was and all there ever would be.

So now, here I am, soon to have my third cesarean. The first which was traumatic but brought the greatest gift of my firstborn and the absolute treasure of being blessed to be called mama, the second which brought my personality-for-days second-born and amazing healing in the experience of a cesarean, and now the third which comes with a beautifully healthy little hiccuping sweet love in my womb and complications that have stunned me into stillness from fear of all the unknowns.

Truly though, He still beckons me.

“Arise, my friend, my beautiful one, and come!" 

-Song of Songs 2:10

We are seven days away from meeting our newest little love. The love I have for this little one is beautiful and good. In the same way that my love for our two sweet boys just pierces me to my core, I am reminded that my love for them is only a hint of how amazing His love is for me. There is much comfort in that. So much comfort.

"There is no moment at which God does not present himself under the guise of some suffering, some consolation or some duty. All that occurs within us, around us and by our means covers and hides his divine action. His action is there, most really and certainly present, but in an invisible manner, the result of which is that we are always being taken by surprise and that we only recognize his operation after it has passed. Could we pierce the veil and were we vigilant and attentive, God would reveal himself continuously to us and we should rejoice in his action in everything that happens to us. At every occurrence we should say: Dominus est. It is the Lord; and in all circumstance we should find a gift from God: we should consider creatures as very feeble instruments in the hands of an almighty worker, and we should recognize without difficulty that nothing is lacking to us and that God's constant care leads him to give us each instant what is suited to us."

- Fr. Jean-Pierre de Caussade

Here I am. Again, He calls me into the unknown. I don't know if this little one will be ready to leave the comfort of my womb at 37-weeks. I don't know if this cesarean will proceed as simply and sweetly as my last one that brought so much healing because of my current situation of having placenta previa. I don't know if we'll have a NICU stay, trouble nursing, trouble healing, extra surgeries, need for blood transfusions, and who knows what else. I suppose, all these things are truly unknown even if we were to wait for our little one to be born at 40-weeks, but everything about this leaves me whispering, Jesus, I trust in You, rather than proclaiming it.

And, that's okay.

"Do not look forward in fear to the changes of life; Rather look to them with full hope that as they arise, God, whose very own you are, will lead you safely through all things; And when you cannot stand it, God will carry you in His arms. Do not fear what may happen tomorrow; The same everlasting Father who cares for you today will take care of you today and every day. He will either shield you from suffering or will give you unfailing strength to bear it. Be at peace and put aside all anxious thoughts and imaginations."

-St. Francis de Sales

I am arising in my little ways, one day at a time. I am whispering my fiat and my trust in Him, because at the end of the day I love Him and He loves me. He is all there is and all there every will be.

Dominus est.

It was Him when I was 13 years young and in love and it is Him walking along with me down this path to the birth of our newest little gift - another little love that will again change nothing and everything.

#BISSisterhood