the side of love // my Lenten companion

The darkness of the night slowly departs. Another day, another hour, and another moment to intentionally live. 

Morning light, heavy eyes and tired arms with a soul not yet awake. 

Every morning, my little heart is met with light. The same light He created ages, and what can seem like, worlds ago. Yes, my little heart is greeted each morning with the chance and opportunity to say Here I am Lord, I am listening, but instead it's usually met with grumble, grumble, sigh, toss and a just five more minutes, please.

Thomas A. Kempis and I have become friends this Lenten season. A friendship my heart and soul are pretty thankful for! After reading this bit of his wisdom, I was sure that my new friend, Mr. Kempis, was looking me straight in the face with one of those faces.

Me, with my negligence and constant wasting of time, often forgetting that all these little daily fiats are the very building blocks of the same virtues my soul so desperately desires.

Morning light? Grumble. Daily dishes? sooo tired... Breaking up an argument here and cleaning up an accident there?...Bah! Again? Laundry? All the Grumble. Grumble. Grumble.

I'm good at grumbling my way through a day. Good at being tired with life before the sun hits my sleepy eyes. Ha! And if we're being honest, I'm so good at it that my grumbling for the next day of life often can start the moment I lay my head down on my pillow the night before! I'm that good, people!

And yet, as much as my failings are true, His goodness is even truer!

Phew!!

There's no pausing life. It continues with oodles upon oodles of similar moments and choices and opportunities to say YES, Lord, show me! I am ready to do Your Will! Form me! Change me! Let your light shine through me so that others may know your goodness!

But then there's me and my grumbles. Again. 

One of the reasons I love the saints and holy men and women - past and present - is because when I'm at my worst, grumbling my way through life, there they are saying, been there, done that, let me pray for you as only someone who understands can! or Hey, let me show you what I thought and did that changed my every little breath into love of Him!

It's a beautiful thing to not have to go it alone. It's an incredible thing to not have to figure it all out by ourselves. He knew. He knew we would need help and so He sent us these holy men and women to share their hearts with us. To teach us. To show us the rugged paths that their feet have touched. The same path that led them straight back into His arms.

It's such a good thing!

Little by little, Lent is honing my heart into something more. I fail, I grumble, but I keep on keeping on in my own personal little dessert. Just as He did. One step at a time. One temptation at a time. Taking my friends with me and a whole lot of JESUS.

"Adversity is the best test of virtue. The occasions of sin do not weaken anyone; on the contrary, they show that person's true worth."

- Thomas A. Kempis

So let's Lent on, my friends, one trial at a time! Let's continue upward and onward in the face of adversity, offering our little fiats when we can, seeking wisdom from those who have walked before us and those around us that are so good at sharing His Goodness already! But mostly, let's allow Our Almighty to wrap us in His Morning Light again and again and again and Again, because that's how virtues for love of Him are formed!

Mr. Kempis has been my companion throughout this Lenten season thus far, who has been yours? Share who and how and let's encourage each other in the combox!

the side of love // beautiful love

When I was 12 years young, I began a journey that would be one of the biggest gifts I would ever receive. I attended a Youth 2000 Retreat a few months after having injured my lower back and was in a bit of a vulnerable place. I was seeking comfort and hope. I was longing for something more.

At the time, my little teenager self was so very devastated about my injury. Thankfully, being active in my youth group, my parents and youth ministers encouraged me to attend this retreat. Thankfully, I said a little yes that would easily become one of my biggest.

Prior to this little injury, one that kept me from playing summer sports (Tennis was my absolute favorite!), I had also lost my beloved grandmother. In fact, I had a beautifully vivid dream the night before she passed. I woke up crying because I knew how much I'd miss her. How much my heart would be torn and how much turmoil my little teenager self would feel! The morning of my dream, after waking with my own tears, I remember walking to the hallway and seeing my mom walk in the door with tears in her own eyes. The kind of tears that had been streaming for awhile. The kind of tears that only a daughter can shed at the loss of her mother.

Amidst these two events, the emotional crazy of  middle school and high school proceeded as they always would.

Onto the retreat, and I can easily say that it was exactly what my heart needed. Falling in Love with the One who shared beautiful love through my grandmother was what I needed. Healing in the gift of Eucharistic Adoration was exactly what my flesh yearned for. Love, healing, and learning to Trust the One who has been with me all along was what I had been seeking all along. That weekend, my journey with Him whom my soul has always longed for, began. It was kind of wonderful. It was kind of beautiful. And, it was all kinds of grace-filled.

That weekend, so long ago, c h a n g e d me.

I went through high school with friends who I still love more than they'll ever know. They helped keep me looking up. Looking to the One who is Love. They helped me during sad times and laughed with me during happy times. We walked together, learning, growing, and living in His Grace and Goodness. Living in His Love through the gift of community and faith.

During college, my journey with Love grew more than I could have ever fathomed. He met me in Mass, He met me in prayer, He met me in every theology and spiritual read I could get my hands on, He met me for 40 days in Eucharistic Adoration during Lent and more...

He always met me, held me through heartache, loved me through friends and community and family, and cared for me in the beautiful treasures of our Faith.

Fast forward to today and not much has changed.

"I wait for the LORD, my soul waits and I hope for his word. 

My soul looks for the Lord more than sentinels for daybreak. 

More than sentinels for daybreak.."  

-Psalm 130: 5-6

Fast forward to today and everything has changed.

See, back when I was 12, the Truth, and Goodness, and Beauty that He is became more real to me than my own beating heart. Grace upon grace held me and kept me. Seeking Him became second nature. It's what I did with the help of Mother Church, family, friends, community, and all the gifts He had shared with me along the way. It's also what I did because my parents blessed me with prayer, Mass, and love throughout my childhood - a pathway I was blessed to be on that lead me to Him in a mysteriously beautiful way.

I learned to wait. I learned to wait on Him, because at the end of each and everyday that's all there was. He was and has always been all there ever was and all there ever would be.

So now, here I am, soon to have my third cesarean. The first which was traumatic but brought the greatest gift of my firstborn and the absolute treasure of being blessed to be called mama, the second which brought my personality-for-days second-born and amazing healing in the experience of a cesarean, and now the third which comes with a beautifully healthy little hiccuping sweet love in my womb and complications that have stunned me into stillness from fear of all the unknowns.

Truly though, He still beckons me.

“Arise, my friend, my beautiful one, and come!" 

-Song of Songs 2:10

We are seven days away from meeting our newest little love. The love I have for this little one is beautiful and good. In the same way that my love for our two sweet boys just pierces me to my core, I am reminded that my love for them is only a hint of how amazing His love is for me. There is much comfort in that. So much comfort.

"There is no moment at which God does not present himself under the guise of some suffering, some consolation or some duty. All that occurs within us, around us and by our means covers and hides his divine action. His action is there, most really and certainly present, but in an invisible manner, the result of which is that we are always being taken by surprise and that we only recognize his operation after it has passed. Could we pierce the veil and were we vigilant and attentive, God would reveal himself continuously to us and we should rejoice in his action in everything that happens to us. At every occurrence we should say: Dominus est. It is the Lord; and in all circumstance we should find a gift from God: we should consider creatures as very feeble instruments in the hands of an almighty worker, and we should recognize without difficulty that nothing is lacking to us and that God's constant care leads him to give us each instant what is suited to us."

- Fr. Jean-Pierre de Caussade

Here I am. Again, He calls me into the unknown. I don't know if this little one will be ready to leave the comfort of my womb at 37-weeks. I don't know if this cesarean will proceed as simply and sweetly as my last one that brought so much healing because of my current situation of having placenta previa. I don't know if we'll have a NICU stay, trouble nursing, trouble healing, extra surgeries, need for blood transfusions, and who knows what else. I suppose, all these things are truly unknown even if we were to wait for our little one to be born at 40-weeks, but everything about this leaves me whispering, Jesus, I trust in You, rather than proclaiming it.

And, that's okay.

"Do not look forward in fear to the changes of life; Rather look to them with full hope that as they arise, God, whose very own you are, will lead you safely through all things; And when you cannot stand it, God will carry you in His arms. Do not fear what may happen tomorrow; The same everlasting Father who cares for you today will take care of you today and every day. He will either shield you from suffering or will give you unfailing strength to bear it. Be at peace and put aside all anxious thoughts and imaginations."

-St. Francis de Sales

I am arising in my little ways, one day at a time. I am whispering my fiat and my trust in Him, because at the end of the day I love Him and He loves me. He is all there is and all there every will be.

Dominus est.

It was Him when I was 13 years young and in love and it is Him walking along with me down this path to the birth of our newest little gift - another little love that will again change nothing and everything.

#BISSisterhood

liturgical living // St. Nicholas

Despite having taken it easy these past weeks of life, I and my dear husband were able to swing some sweetness for the Feast of St. Nicholas. 

This wonderful saint's feast day has easily become a favorite in our home and definitely a part of our family traditions having celebrated him one way or another these last two to three years.

Special times these are! Planting our sweet little seeds of faith and love and goodness for our family couldn't make me more happy!

Since we've been nudged into a very simple Advent season, Thriftbooks.com and some Halloween candy leftovers were our friend.

We got the boys two new books each, left out our little dvd from last year as well as one of our St. Nicholas reads that they received last year too.

Shoes were left out and the boys were excited for morning.

My youngest just adores all things dragon related. He honestly runs around the house in his dragon attire at least once a day baring his "claws" and breathing fire. Sometimes he's the nice gentle dragon that St. George managed to tame and other times he's the ferocious dragon. As long as you don't call him by his actual name during these one-acts, you're in the clear and will survive the dragon's wrath.

Two new dragon books and two new faith/celebration of Christ's books were unwrapped and enjoyed throughout the day.

Candy was the first thing to touch their lips this morning and you could just feel the sheer joy from this sweet happening.

Daddy made us all a delicious breakfast and made a quick donut run...because feasting and all.

For the most part, we took it easy and the boys got to enjoy some of their favorite things on a beautiful day.

Our Mr. Outdoorsy/Sport-loving/filled to the brim with energy child got to have some fun outside with daddy, which was such a treat! They haven't been able to play outdoors together in awhile with the light being gone by the time daddy gets home and the yucky rainy weather we've had on and off these last weeks.

While my little artist/book worm/creative got to have some alone time drawing on his LeapFrog. 

It was a good day of feasting, learning more about our faith and one of it's defenders, and family.

Little by little, liturgical rhythm finds it's way into our homes and hearts and I am just loving it!

“The giver of every good and perfect gift has called upon us to mimic Gods giving, by grace, through faith, and this is not of ourselves.” 

~St. Nicholas of Myra

made with love // thanksgiving

Gosh, nothing like a good little scare to put life into perspective...again.

It's funny how that is, isn't it? Everything seems to immediately get prioritized by love when crazy hits the fan doesn't it?

The Thursday before Thanksgiving, while I was at our family bible study with the boys (husband had to work), I had some bleeding. We were 32 weeks at the time and not ready for something like that to happen. Not sure anyone really is ready for things like that. Especially during pregnancy!

I, honestly, can't imagine what our friends thought of me while I walked out of the bathroom and into the living room. Pretty sure I had that blank deer-in-the-headlights look and asked them to help me get the boys in the van so I could get to the hospital.

Thankfully, they talked some sense into me and offered to let my kiddos hang out while we went and took care of life and it's happenings. I called my husband as soon as I was driving and made the drive.

Contractions and bleeding. Bed rest and fluids. Doctors orders. Done and done.

See..I have placenta previa, as many of you know (I'll let you look it up if you've never heard of it rather than go into details). What I will say is that if we get to the no-bueno point it could be a not good situation pretty quickly.

I spent the whole next week of Thanksgiving resting like I've not rested since before the boys all thanks to my husband and my parents.

Times like these, your heart really can't help but burst with gratitude. Seeing your children, un-phased and filled with joy and smiles, even though your heart feels the anxiety and a weight of your present moment brings such a peace.

That gift would not have been possible without lots of grace, the gift of service from my husband, and the gift of my parents being able to spend an entire week with us to help.

Now, because of all the resting and crazy in my heart, I really didn't capture as many memories as I did last Thanksgiving. I just pray that these tidbits will always help share the fun and love that was had over an entire week of goodness filled with so much gratitude.

I found these words by St. Josemaria Escriva, and couldn't be more thankful for them. They truly represent the last few weeks I've experienced. So much peace, so much grace, so much thanksgiving.

"I cannot but be satisfied, when I see that, despite my own wretchedness, our Lord built up so many wonderful things around this Work of God. The life of a man who lives by Faith will always be the story of the mercies of God. At some moments the story may perhaps be difficult to read, because everything can seem useless and even a failure. But at other times our Lord lets one see how the fruit abounds and then it is natural for one's soul to break out in thanksgiving." 

-St. Josemaria Escriva, Conversations, 72 

Family, friends, and my husband have just been so amazing throughout this time of unknown. And, speaking of family, here's a sweet shot of my parents that did so much for us that whole week of Thanksgiving.

My parents tended to the boys, took them out, played with them, did crafts, helped with upkeep of our home, and just filled our home with lots of love and laughter over the holidays.

This man. He's good. Oh so good. And, I love him more than he'll ever know. True story.

As many of you know, I really do enjoy being in the kitchen, especially when it comes to baking. Unfortunately, baking pies and other desserts was not in my forcast, but I was able to make that easy-peasy Dark Chocolate Pumpkin Spiced Pecan Fudge. So. Good! And dairy-free to-boot!

This whole feast was prepared and cooked by my mama and brother's fiance! So amazing! Everything was delicious and wonderful and I still can't believe I didn't lift a finger the entire time this was getting put together!

Always a good time when we get to see these two! Love my brother and his fiance! As do the boys. So much!

Family photo for the win! Thanksgiving 2015!

Fun times were had. Lots of games, drawing, and crafting.

Bigfoot really enjoyed Jenga and Linus enjoyed it at some point...or, so I'm told.

Little sneaker couldn't decide whether he enjoyed winning or being the reason everything falls over.

Meanwhile, this guy snuck in some snuggles and tablet reading with his Daddy.

Lots of tickling, getting thrown around, squeezed in some outside time (It rained almost the entire week my parents were here!), and tennis. The boys loved it.

I tell you what: These boys were missing their grandpa and nana as soon as they knew they weren't staying forever, but all that aside, so much fun was had and oodles of memories were made.

From the few memories I captured, I'm sure you can see why the gratitude meter was just bursting!

I rested. They played, laughed, and loved.

Since the time my parents left, we've been blessed abundantly with meals and various acts of service from dear friends. It's more than we could ever ask for or fathom.

I think it's safe to say that our Thanksgiving week was made with love! It's in times like this that the quote below means so much more to me:

“Today if we have no peace it is because we have forgotten that we belong to each other—that man, that woman, that child is my brother or my sister.” 

- Blessed Teresa of Calcutta

For now, that's my little update. I've been wanting to write and share so much lately but just haven't had the energy or brain to do so. With grace and time, I hope to share a bit more even if just bits and pieces of our family scrapbook. I'm thinking a good next share should be of Precious P growing in my belly from start to now. We are less than 20 days from being able to hold and snuggle our newest little love in our arms! So hard to fathom! But so exciting too!

Thank you for your continued prayers! Symptoms lasted a while, but thankfully have slowed or fully stopped since then. We're now just praying that the symptoms don't return till the tad-bit early birth of our little one, praying that our little one will be ready to meet us (especially since it will be earlier than 39-40 weeks), and praying for His Will to be done and that we be able to embrace it with peace and joy, no matter what may come. So thank you, your prayers truly mean so much to us! 

wiws // sillies, chucks, and a vintage bumpdate

We'll start with the boys this fresh and lovely Sunday for a round of What I Wore Sunday!

First off, chucks! I loved chucks when I was younger and love them now. Only, while the boys have a pair each, I have yet to purchase some for myself since I retired my last pair (A problem I've been trying to remedy for the last year! Whyyyyy have they gotten to be so expensive?!). 

Anywho, I know my time will come. I just heart them too much! But, till that time, the boys can happily sport theirs and look pretty stinkin' cute while doing it!

So much cuteness! It's been awhile since I got both of them smiling straight on, much less wearing the same stuff. We don't do that often. You know, the whole matchy thing. Obviously it does happen from time to time and well, it happened today.

These little guys are full of silly faces.

 And sweetness.

And did I mention, handsome-ness? I'm glad I can capture this goodness on my camera every once in awhile! It's these very faces that share a sweet little light with my heart that is just so warm and all things needed!

Now for some Precious P. All 26 weeks of him or her.

 What say you? Boy or girl?

 We'll find out come Precious P's birthday whether he is a he or she is a she.

 Meanwhile, I'll just be sittin' comfy in this cozy maternity steal.

Dress
Jacket
Shoes

Also sharing the first reading from Mass today because I kind of loved it.

Wisdom 7: 7-11
"I prayed, and prudence was given me;
I pleaded, and the spirit of wisdom came to me.
I preferred her to scepter and throne,
and deemed riches nothing in comparison with her,
nor did I liken any priceless gem to her;
because all gold, in view of her, is a little sand,
and before her, silver is to be accounted mire.
Beyond health and comeliness I loved her,
and I chose to have her rather than the light,
because the splendor of her never yields to sleep.
Yet all good things together came to me in her company,
and countless riches at her hands."

No thoughts to share. Just the reading. Lots of thoughts can be had from these words and I'm pretty sure I'm still sorting through my own!

Pray your Sunday is beautiful and good!

WIWS

liturgical living // How Sweet is the Way of Love!

Alrighhhttt.... SO. Our Feast of the Archangels was good! It was a grace-filled day and good. The day after was rough. Hidden graces that I have no awareness of whatsoever may have been hanging around but I spied nada. 

It's funny how that can happen sometimes. Admittedly, I felt pretty defeated yesterday, while I was riding a fluffy cloud of blackberry cobbler with those wonderful Archangels all through just the night before!

But, it happens!

At the end of the day, I couldn't be more thankful for sweet St. Therese on the rougher of days. She brings simplicity back to my rambled mess of a brain and heart. She redirects me and tells me it's all going to be okay.

"...how sweet is the way of love! No doubt, we are liable to fall, to fail in constancy, but love knows how to draw profit from everything. It quickly consumes anything that may be displeasing to Jesus, leaving only a humble and profound peace at the bottom of our heart."

-St.Therese of Lisieux

See what she did there? Simple. The way of love! So beautiful and so simple. Reminding us that we are sure to fall and fail in constancy (I can assure you both of these things happened yesterday!). Reminding me that in light of the love I have in my heart for my family and for my Lord, profit can and will be drawn.

But she doesn't just stop there!

That bit on humility - pretty sure I was chewing on a large slice of humble cobbler last night and will continue to do so all day today too. Pretty sure! And all for good reason! All to keep perspective. All to redirect my heart to home and to begin again today.

Sweetly and simply moving forward - erring on the side of love. The place where He meets our efforts and makes them good again.

Oh, dear St. Therese. I heart you tons!

So, in light of her loveliness and ability to always give me needed perspective on a good or bad day I'll be making a sweet dessert to celebrate her feast later this evening. I'm thinking a simple and little one-layer white cake with some white frosting for her purity and goodness topped with strawberries. The plan is to try to form a rose with the yummy red fruit. I'll let you know how that turns out!

On that note, what will you be doing to celebrate this lovely saint? Remember, no small gesture is too small for this beautiful friend of ours!

mommyhood // there is always something else.

Nothing shocks you into reality like feeling like there's absolutely nothing you can do to help your suffering two-year old.

Summer was flying by in a way that screams sun, breezes, swimwear, grass-stains and more all while overwhelming our memories with smells of sunscreen and bug spray. The moments were good. We were enjoying our moments. Living and breathing and growing together. Seeing family and nurturing friendships. Celebrating birthdays and enjoying all the embraces that Love has to offer.

And then, come July, our little guy became plagued with a little something that did not want to leave him be. Nights filled with up-chucking and days and nights filled with the same struggle just on the other end. It was relentless. This went on for a month and half. Medicine after medicine were tried. Four rounds total to be accurate.The moment I saw our pediatrician seem baffled - our very knowledgeable and trusted  pediatrician who's seen it all - the words just spilled from my heart as the tears streamed from my eyes...

Will this kill my baby?

When you reach a moment like this there's no where to go. You're there standing and staring at your wall that's straight in front of you. Only, you can't stay there. You can't stay there. You keep going. Little by little. Faithfully and with hope.

Faith and hope.

It's like a reflex. Faith and hope just nudge you along saying all will be well. No matter what.

No matter what?

How so? How can all be well no matter what? How does one endure suffering, the kind that is happening to your little toddling heart that has managed his way outside of you through gift and miracle? How can one be terrified and yet move forward in faith, hope, and trust?

"When Jesus saw his mother and the disciple there whom he lovedhe said to his mother, “Woman, behold, your son.”Then he said to the disciple,“Behold, your mother.”And from that hour the disciple took her into his home." 

-John 19: 26-27

Well, for starters, He gave us His Mother. No one can understand what it feels like to endure the suffering of one's child more than Our Blessed Mother. She birthed Love Incarnate. She raised and loved the Man who would save the world. She lived along walking Love. The kind that innately draws you in. This woman of old. She knows.

Every moment I could remember, my heart whispered: Mary, Mother of my Lord, be a mother to me now.

I know she was holding me in her prayers. I know she knew the strain my heart felt. And when this was all going down, I knew she would have the words to share with her Son. The words that were loosely in my scattered brain. The ones I was shouting but just couldn't seem to put together.

So prayer. Prayer. and more prayer were my allies all through His beautiful Mother.

Then there's my Lord.

"When Jesus had taken the wine, he said,

“It is finished.”

And bowing his head, he handed over the spirit." 

-John 19:30

He just let go. He let His Will work alongside His Father's. He let Himself be held.

There does come a point where we, in our lives, come to our little crosses. Mine felt small and insignificant compared to His and so many others, but I'm not here to compare my recent present. My present was where I was and He met me there as I sought Him. 

I sought Him with my continuous: Jesus, I trust in You. 

Again and again, those words were whispered. They were whispered even when my heart struggled to believe what my head and soul were telling me. The reality of His Word made flesh. The reality of yesterday, today, and the good that is to come if I earnestly try, day in and day out, to walk and breathe my fiat. He lived so that I could live. He died so that we could endure and know that the wall is never truly there. Instead, His Presence. His Peace. His Strength. That's what's there! That's what helps you see up and over, around, or even through your wall. Letting go and letting Him hold you in His Will so that you can continue down your road of sanctification.

When we are seeking while standing in front of our wall, what we are seeking is reason, logic, how-to's, what-to-do's - all of it. But the point is we are seeking.

Why are we seeking? The reason for me goes a little something like this: the One who made me and wrote the law of Love and Truth on my heart while knitting me in my mother's womb - He pulls me. Pulls us. He gave us His Mother, He gave us Himself. He draws us near if we let Him - even in suffering. Or rather, especially in suffering.

"So submit yourselves to God. Resist the devil, and he will flee from you.Draw near to God, and he will draw near to you." 

-James 4:7-8

Suffering. The cross. The very place where the ultimate expression of Love happened. Where sin was conquered. There He faced his wooden wall, and here we face our wall - our little cross. Or so it feels like it. The place that stops you and makes you feel like there is nothing else. Most likely, one of many you'll experience in this life because sin entered the world and we all have free will. Only there is something else. There is always something else.

He called us, He meets us, He listens to us when we call, and keeps near - if we let Him.

"Love, and he will draw near; love, and he will dwell within you. The Lord is at hand; have no anxiety. Are you puzzled to know how it is that he will be with you if you love? God is love.” 

-St. Augustine of Hippo

In the end, my little one did not die from the parasite that plagued him. We survived this little ordeal and I'm pretty sure the little guy did a million times better coping with the insanity that lasted for a month and a half than all else who live in our little house hold. In fact, I know this to be a fact! He was a warrior, while I was his little sidekick on my knees pleading for his healing.

When suffering and love meet, He draws us in. He draws us all in giving us alternatives. Letting us know we don't have to stay stuck. That there truly is something else. He lived so this could be true. So, He really is at hand, always - but I will say, it definitely takes a certain force of the will to seek, to be open, to choose to serve, and to embrace His Will and Grace amidst all the crazy! Phew!

---

"Prayer is the place of refuge for every worry, a foundation for cheerfulness, a source of constant happiness, a protection against sadness." 

-St. John Chrysostom

#BISSisterhood

My Little Fiats

Y'all.

This Lenten season is rocking me. It's emptying me. It's challenging me and stretching me.

Naturally, one week (and some) into this journey and I'm struggling.

On the one hand, all things fasting related, I'm coping well enough. I feel my little sacrifices here and there slowly but surely emptying me from the inside out. Literally. I can sense that each time I say no to something I am saying yes to something greater. Someone greater. 

With each stand I grow stronger and it is so very encouraging.

With every small offering another little fiat is said.

All encouraging. All hard.

And yet, all that can be scrambled into a hazy fog of crazy real quick for this little soldier trying to carry on.

Tack on two doctors appointments in one week (...and that's not counting the other two doctors visits we had just two weeks ago.) and you can see just how disfigured my face can get real quick.

I mean. These boys.

I love them. I do. So very very very very very very much.

But whyyyyyy do they have to touch every. single. little. inch. of the waiting room only to enter the actual visit room to proceed to again touch every. single. little. infected. area that could possibly be touched.

Then. With these same hands they wipe their faces and their runny noses before I can get out my tissue for them. Then they proceed to touch me and all other things possible with all the germs they managed to acquire in .2 seconds FLAT.

And that's not even including the germs and random mystery limp we came in with. The very things that have my mama-heart in knots.

So, yes. Hazy fog of crazy.

Like I said, I love these boys. And it pains me that we have had to make these two visits. I hurt when they are sick. My heart struggles to balance loving compassion and charity along side the inevitable emotional and physical fatigue that my tired self meets every time some sort of illness makes its way into our home.

I struggle.

But as a mother, I carry on. One foot in front of the other. Wiping the noses, taking the temperatures, keeping them hydrated, snuggling, reading, holding, feeding, caring, worrying, on and on and on. I carry on. One little way at a time.

I wish I didn't meet this bit of motherhood with all the grumbles you can imagine. I really do. 

I wish I didn't make it all about me. But, there's sin. And there's me. And where sin and I meet. It's all about me. 

I...I...I...I...

...you get the picture.

I have to remind myself that it is not I that I draw my strength from, but Him. It is not my will I should desire, but His. I have to remind myself that He sanctifies my little efforts. That He, and He alone can help me carry my little crosses.

And even though it is sooooooo hard to do it while in the moment, I really am trying.

Trying not to worry. Trying not to stress. Trying not to be prideful. Trying not to make everything about me. Trying to think outside of myself and turn towards Him and my family. Trying to embrace my vocation. The very same vocation that will bring me back to Him whom my soul longs for.

I'm trying.

At the end of this crazy week filled with a mystery limp, fevers, and doctors appointments, I am so glad I took these pictures!

There are lots of bright sides to celebrate here!

First bright side, they did have a blast playing with their dinosaurs, looking out the windows, and playing lunchtime while we waited an entire hour.

Second and most important bright side, the doctor believes that Linus' fever is unrelated to his mystery limp (Thank you, Lord!) and that we should just keep monitoring him. She felt his limp had lessened from one day to the next (And still is, thankfully!) and that he probably caught a new virus that was just starting to show itself (No, thank you. But I'll take it!).

After all this, another lesson learned. Again. Trust in Him.

My mom told me to stop worrying and to trust. My husband encouraged me not to worry. To be present. I could hear Sister Kathleen in the back of my mind saying that His plans are such a gift to us if we just let Him love us!

It is so hard for me to remember to seek Him in my times of troubles. It's hard to remember His 40 days spent in a dessert. His Cross. His Wounds. His Death. It's hard to remember that He knows this struggle. So much so He died on a Cross so that someday we would never have to know these pains again. All for love us.

My beloved Jesus, Your face was beautiful before You began this journey; but, now, it no longer appears beautiful and is disfigured with wounds and blood. Alas, my soul also was once beautiful when it received Your grace in Baptism; but I have since disfigured it with my sins. You alone, my Redeemer, can restore it to its former beauty. Do this by the merits of Your passion; and then do with me as You will."

~St Alphonsus Liguori

It's hard to remember, but I'm thankful for moments of grace and late night ramblings to help me see that He alone can restore me. 

If you stuck around for all the ramblings, you're amazing!

How has He been meeting you while on your Lenten journey? I'd love to know. Has it been obvious? Gentle? Hard? Walking along side you? Ahead of you encouraging you on? or Behind you nudging you along?

No matter how He has been meeting you during this season, I pray we all take heart and remember that He is with us.

Linking-up with Kelly for some quick-takes and Amy for Embrace the Ordinary and Dearest Love for Coffee Date for some highs and lows chat.