mommyhood // a birth story for dandelion - when hearts meet

I'm back to finish this story of love, crazy, and ultimately/most importantly, His Will and Protection!

If you haven't read the first two parts, go here for the first installment, here for the second, and now let's begin the third.

After I read the prayer again, again, and again, things started to pick up. Life started happening at full speed and nurses, anesthesiologists, assistants, et. al. started bustling around us.

One person in. One person out. Poke here. Poke there. Questions about this, questions about that. It all just kept swirling around us.

I tried to keep eye contact with my husband because his presence grounds me in a special way. He's my person. Internally, prayers were being whispered and aspirations were being shouted from the depths of my heart. Externally, I was looking to him. 

The anesthesiologist came in. Unfortunately, Mr. Big Needle was casually chit-chatting with one of the nurses about how he was so tired and had already had a long day and was ready to go home and, and, and...

He was making me nervous! It was already super late! By this time, I want to say it was around 12:30AM or so. Honestly, I was hoping his assistant was going to be the one to come and do the big needle deed because he seemed so much more alert, engaged with me during our interactions, and up-beat! Only, I wasn't so lucky.

Owie! Ow! OW!

Haha. Apparently I say owie now when I'm in pain. Anyways!

Mr. Big Needle: Sorry. Did that hurt? Let's see...tell me which side hurts most?

Right..Ow..right side! shooting pain..down my Leg! Ow! Leg!

Mr. BN: Okay. Let me try and adjust it. Tell me when it stops hurting..

Oww..still hurting..down the leg! Right. still! Leg, back! Ow!

Mr. BN: Okay. Just hang on. 

OW!

Mr. BN: How's that?

I'll spare you the rest. He did end up getting me numbed on both sides but as we would come to find out during the cesarean, he over-corrected which meant I was having a bit o' pain on my right side. Not cool, Mr. BN. Not cool.

After I was getting to fully numbed status, our God-send of an OBGYN entered with his bright, cheery, and (Thanks to the caffeine he had in his hand!) energetic self. He was excited and ready to deliver our sweet Dandelion. He was positive and encouraging and reminded us that we were soon going to meet our newest family member.

Off he went to tend to some things while my husband and I had a little time together. Trying my best to hold back tears, we talked and tried to ready ourselves for all that was about to happen.

The nurses came in, and off we went to the operating room. Music was playing, staff were moving, my husband was on his way...

Mother Mary, hold us in your prayers. St. Anne, pray for us. Jesus, I trust in you. Mother Mary, bring my heart to your Son. St. Anne, pray for us. Jesus, I trust in you.

Waiting in the operating room alone with staff is my least favorite part. Husband's aren't allowed to come in till you're all ready and prepped and I just hate that little bit of time that he's not there. So aspiration after aspiration it was till he entered and came to my side.

Mother Mary, hold us in your prayers. St. Anne, pray for us. Jesus, I trust in you. Mother Mary, bring my heart to your Son. St. Anne, pray for us. Jesus, I trust in you.

Finally, my husband was by my side. We looked at each other, me with tears in my eyes (You know the ones. The very same ones I had been trying to hold back since I first saw red.) and him gazing back at me with his masculine strength, confidence, and love that only a husband can share with his wife.

Dr. B: Let's get started, shall we!?

Deep breath.

Mother Mary, hold us in your prayers. St. Anne, pray for us. Jesus, I trust in you. Mother Mary, bring my heart to your Son. St. Anne, pray for us. Jesus, I trust in you.

Chatter was happening. Some tugging here. Some tugging there. Questions were asked by me. Answers were given by whichever staff I directed them to. My husband holding my hand, looking at me, and reassuring me that all was and would be well.

Then came time for Dr. B to bring our little one out from my womb. I had started struggling with pain due to the over-correction of Mr. BN, but thankfully, Mr. Assistant BN was striving for rockstar status throughout the surgery and was really trying to keep me awake (rather than knocking me out fully due to the pain) by keeping the meds flowing as quickly as he could.

Mother Mary, hold us in your prayers. St. Anne, pray for us. Jesus, I trust in you. Mother Mary, bring my heart to your Son. St. Anne, pray for us. Jesus, I trust in you.

Staying awake was something I desperately wanted but was struggling to do even had they not knocked me out medically. It was late. I was exhausted, but I didn't want to come all this way to be knocked out completely if all could be helped! We were moments from meeting our little one so I did my best to bear it because I wanted to see our baby. I wanted to hear his or her cry. I wanted to touch our sweet little one and hold him or her if at all possible. I wanted nearness. I didn't want to miss a thing.

My thoughts were focused and racing all at the same time.

Mother Mary, hold us in your prayers. St. Anne, pray for us. Jesus, I trust in you. Mother Mary, bring my heart to your Son. St. Anne, pray for us. Jesus, I trust in you.

Soon. Soon. He or she was almost here. Almost.

Dr. B: You ready?

Us: Ready? 

Dr. B: To find out the gender!? To see your baby?

Us: YES!

Dr. B: Pull the curtains!

Wahhhhhhhhhhhh! Wa wa wahhhhh!

Cue my tears. He or she was breathing on his or her own. I hadn't even seen the little one yet, but at that moment all that mattered was that our little one was well enough to belt out the sweetest cry I had ever heard. His or her lungs were strong! 

Bleary eyed, I was looking through the clear plastic curtain trying to decipher whether our baby was a he or a she. Funny enough, so was my husband. We couldn't tell at first. 

I think we couldn't tell because we were just anticipating another boy. Till...

Dr. B: Well?

Taking a better look. Haha, at this point we were just taking too long to figure it all out!

GeekMan: It's a.. girl?

Dr. B: YES IT'S A GIRL! Look!

Cue crazy tears of joy, happiness, love, thankfulness and more.

Is she alright? Is she okay? Everything okay with her? and me?  are we okay???

Dr. B: Yes. She's perfect! and you're good.

And cue some more tears.

They brought her to me. She was the most beautiful baby girl I had ever seen. She was perfect. She was healthy. She was amazing. So amazing at just 37 weeks. So strong and not even phased by the imperfection of my womb and the placement of my placenta. Un-phased by the potential danger that lingered over both of our hearts. Un-phased and ready to be held in her mama and daddy's love.

My husband and I were beside ourselves in love and in complete confusion at the fact that we had a baby girl. Our little Dandelion.

7 lb. 9 oz. and 20.5 inches of loveliness that only God could knit together.

The moments when the hearts' of Bigfoot and Linus meeting Moriah's is one of my absolute favorites.

Bigfoot adored her, and still does. From the moment he set eyes one her he had so much love for her. Meanwhile, Linus adored from afar for the first few weeks, then proudly went up to her one day out of the blue. He put his hand on her chest and told her that he was her big brother and that he loved her.

You can't make this beauty up, y'all! You just can't!

Grandparents came from afar to soak up her goodness and share their hearts and love too. It was beautiful and so very good.

Dandelion's Uncle and his fiance came (Shame on me for not grabbing a photo of them!) to meet her, hold her, and enjoy her. Her Uncle A and Aunt Bekah, came a few weeks later to meet our newest little heart and fell in absolute love.

So much love when hearts meet like this! So much love it's absolutely incredible and intoxicating in the most magical and wonderful of ways.

His Grace, Love, and Protection were overwhelming through all the beautiful vessels He shared with us throughout her birth. It's really amazing how everything worked out. My worries were squashed. My anxieties were replaced with peace in knowing that she was well. And our hearts met as they were intended to, thanks be to God.

Happiest of birthdays to you, precious Dandelion, and many more! Mama is so very very very thankful for your beautiful self. So very thankful for all that you are and ever will be!

May God bless and keep you always.

So there you have it, friends. A birth story for our Dandelion.

Little Crosses and Little Blessings for this Mama's Little Heart

As many of you know, I desperately stormed Heaven for the possibility of avoiding major surgery (ie cesarean birth) with our newest little. As with Bigfoot, I so much wanted to have a vaginal delivery, au natural, but as life and His Will would have it, I did not get that. Through a lot of tears, prayer, talking with my husband, family, and friends, as well as, trying to always be thankful for the present moment, I moved forward and began praying for a chance to VBAC (vaginal birth after cesarean) with our second child.

You may be wondering why I have been so stubborn about it. And, sometimes I ask myself the same thing. But, in my heart I know that a piece of me will always mourn the loss of being able to deliver vaginally, as God intended our bodies, as women, to bring life forth into this world. I'm not entirely sure how I will feel come future children, given I most likely will not be able to ever have another chance for a trial of labor, but I do know a little bit of me will ache.

You see, I prayed for such a long time, that God prepare me physically, spiritually, and emotionally to be a mother and wife. I began praying ever since I felt that my vocation was to be a wife and mother. When I would think of bringing life into this world, of being a physical vessel of his goodness and miracles, my heart experienced a joy that was overwhelming. And, you now may be saying that I did carry a healthy miracle to term and had two healthy baby boys, despite having them via cesarean. And..you are right! I have had two very blessed pregnancies and do have two wonderful little boys to show for it! For this, I could not be more grateful. But, somewhere in my heart, there was a seed that was planted long ago that I nourished as well as I could and did not see it bear fruit as I thought it would. It has been somewhat heartbreaking, leaving me feeling a little broken, that I was not able to share a vaginal delivery with my sons nor my husband. I know the health benefits, for my children and for myself significantly outweigh that of surgery. Knowing this, how could a mother not want to give her child the birth that exemplifies our feminine genius?

But, for whatever reason, it has not been in His Will for me or us. I know there are many lessons that have and will continue to be learned through this. There already have been so many gifts that came with my first cesarean: my healthy first-born, an amazing outpouring of servitude from family and friends, incredible love in others caring for me in my post-surgery state, friends being so wonderful and present, me being forced to allow others to see me incredibly vulnerable and weak, suffering that I was able to offer up daily for others, me being forced to not have it all together, me being forced to not work my way to being good at something because my body was so crippled from the trauma of two days of labor and major surgery...I could go on and on, but off the top of my head these were gifts.

Fast-forward to the birth of my sweet P. All, or most, was different. Different in that the crosses and blessings didn't look quite the same. We did wait three days post due date to see if our little guy would come on his own. Apparently, he decided I was way more comfy than the bright and cold world that awaited him (I don't blame him). My ob-gyn, said that it was in our best interest to schedule the cesarean - so, we did.

All of the scheduling and arriving at the hospital at said time, filling out paper work, sitting and waiting, etc seemed pretty cold to me. We got our instructions on when to arrive, to not eat after midnight, a quick run through of what to expect and that was that. The nurses decided on Sweet P's birthday based on availability. Something about that hurt a little, but trust me when I say, I will be needing to re-frame all of the things that rub my heart the wrong way given my cesarean delivery method now being a sealed fate for me after having had two.

Even though I could continue to share more of my not-so-pleasant experiences of scheduling your child's birth, I want to share the more encouraging side of the day too.

I did have family and friends cheering me all the way. Part of me couldn't help but be scared and sad given my previous cesarean experience with my first son, but there was a turning point for me. I know many were praying for me; some sent emails, others texts and phone calls. All of them nudging my heart to be open to what God had for me in this delivery and reminding me that I would be holding my sweet gift from Above very soon. The excitement from all the grandparents and my husband, as well as the staff, was also a constant reminder of how joy-filled I should be. Very quickly, through all of their loving hearts and eyes, I was able to let go more and more and just focus on the love and joy that I had for this child. Fear and sadness did enter my heart from time to time, but overall I felt His Peace and was constantly calling our Lord's Sweet Mother to hold me.

The blessings continued to pour forth on Sweet P's birthday. For starters, all the grandparents, aunts, and uncles could plan to be present to welcome our little love into our sweet family. Also, we were blessed to be scheduled for the Hour of Mercy, which really helped me focus on uniting all my struggles to the Cross of Our Lord. Our nurse and anesthesiologist as well as all others involved in our hospital delivery were wonderful at guiding and comforting me through each stage of this surgery. They brought my son to me immediately and let me hold him. They never took him from me. I was able to do skin-to-skin and nurse him within the hour of his life. My son was never out of my sight. The beautiful child I carried for nine months was able to be with his mama. Those moments I treasure more than words because with my first-born I was under heavy medication and don't recall the first 5-7 hours of his life including the first time I held him, nursed him, meeting the grandparents, seeing family post surgery, and more. All just a big blur in my heart. So, as you can imagine, being alert and functional throughout the surgery and day were more than I could have asked for and blessed my soul so very much. Also, I was able to walk within 24 hours. My surgical recovery has been much easier. And even though it broke my heart to not be able to carry my oldest at all in the first two weeks and still limited carrying at one month, this allowed me to spend extra attention to our newest addition. Time I may not have focused on as much had I been without any physical restrictions post-delivery. So, with that cross, came a blessing - wonderful bonding time with my youngest son. Or rather, with all of these little crosses that I carried within me all came with amazing blessings that only He could give.

I could go on, but for now I think I'm at a good stopping point. Part of me, at first, wanted to avoid posting our cesarean delivery pictures. I guess, for me, posting those birthday pictures make everything more real and official for me. Makes the realization that I have to let go of a woman's natural way to deliver ever more present to me. But, little by little, I am embracing my path and trying to do so with Joy (even if it just happens from time to time for now). So, with Joy, I am posting (and have been posting) pictures of our family immediately following the surgery. My first moments with my son. Moments that I did not have with my first delivery. Moments that I will forever treasure. And could not be more grateful for. 

I pray that my little crosses help my little heart to grow in ways that only He can fathom. I pray that it helps me to grow into a better wife and mother, daughter/sister and friend. I pray that somehow, despite my constant failings, He will help bring me closer to Him, which in turn will help me bring Him closer to others.

~~~

Suscipe 

Take, Lord, and receive all my liberty,

my memory, my understanding

and my entire will,

All I have and call my own.

You have given all to me.

To you, Lord, I return it.

Everything is yours; do with it what you will.

Give me only your love and your grace.

That is enough for me.

-St. Ignatius of Loyola

My Dearest Geekman <3

Let married people remain on their cross of obedience, which is in marriage. It is the best and most practical cross of them and one of the most demanding, in that there is almost continual activity – and occasions of suffering are more frequent in this state than in any other. Do not desire, therefore, to descend from this cross under any pretext whatever. Since God has placed you there, remain there always. - Francis de Sales

My dearest GeekMan and I definitely had quite the journey during the delivery of our lil’ Bigfoot.  The reason I chose this quote is because my GeekMan did remain there always. He had to endure so much watching me go through the suffering that was part of our labor experience, meanwhile not being able to make it stop. I saw it in his eyes every time things got tough, but I also saw the Faith and Strength that God was sharing through him to me during different times of need. His eyes were steady, his strength was steady, his love in every moment we endured was constant.  All these things are what kept me going throughout our 51 hours of labor and delivery. Geekman was Christ to me in a very special way during the birth journey of our first born. He was that Christlike presence to me in a way we had both never experienced before. He pursued my best interest with courage. He made prayerful decisions that were hard to make at different times. He remained by me during my most difficult suffering, smiled with me during the exciting times, cried with me during the challenging and joyful times and so much more. All these gifts that he imparted to his wife (little me) then and as well as everyday since then in big and small ways are what have kept me positive and steadfast during these weeks of recovery.

So, my dearest GeekMan, I love you more than I will ever be able to communicate to you. Thank you for the amazing husband you are. And, Thank you for the amazing father you are. Your amazing husband and father status are quite the gift to give to our lil’ Bigfoot and to me <3



lyb

It's a...

Beautiful Baby Boy!!!!!  :D  Our sweet lil’ Bigfoot was born June 21st at 12:30 pm.  All 22 1/2 inches of him weighed in at a grand total of 9 lbs 6 oz!


Isn’t he gorgeous??! :D  Looks just like Daddy :)

Wow, so where to start this blog now that I’ve introduced our lil Bigfoot?? Well for one, even though I’ve sent out a ‘thank you’ to family and friends, I have to say THANK YOU again.  The support, amazing love, and constant prayers that were shared with our little family during our 51 hour trek of labor and delivery will never be forgotten. The prayers and love were constantly felt throughout every moment, which was such a gift for us! You all have no idea how much it meant and still means to us.  We are still so incredibly moved and so grateful for how God has shared this goodness with us through our parents (the new and wonderful grandparents), our siblings (two pretty awesome uncles), extended family/relatives, and our second family of friends.


Our Birth Story

As all of you know, I was praying and hoping for a natural/vaginal delivery.  And for the first two days and even on the third day I truly thought that it would come to fruition - given that I pushed for 3 hours while dilated at a 10. Bigfoot was positioned at a +2 - ready to meet his Mama and Daddy.  But, as it would happen, my bone structure and Bigfoot’s size were not friends. 

However, I was right about one thing!  Our lil’ Bigfoot must know the gift of the Mass. Sunday morning arrived and I started feeling slight contractions at 9:30 AM.  Not anything terrible at all so we decided to go to Mass figuring we needed to be nourished for the long-haul :)  We went to Mass and then during the Final Blessing, my water broke!  We felt excitement and a load of other emotions.  GeekMan ran to get the car in a frenzy while I waddled my way out of Church.  We called our obgyn and he instructed us to head to the hospital.  We went home, got all our needs together and hopped in the car to the hospital.

At this point there were so many thoughts and emotions circling us.  We couldn’t believe we would be meeting our little one within 24 hours (or so we thought lol)  Upon arrival to the hospital, we got all prepped and ready to go.  It was confirmed that there was amniotic fluid present and we were off to start our baby marathon.

All of Sunday and through the night we naturally were laboring and doing everything under the moon to induce and get consistent contraction to foster dilation.  Our 18th hour came early Monday morning and we ultimately opted for getting induced with pitocin in hopes to further dilate.  Hence, began our “medicated” birth, still hoping to avoid a c-section.  During this early morning time, because we had not slept or ate we requested to do so, which our Dr was wonderful about.  We then ate, slept, and then got ready for our next phase.

Pitocin started around 1pm and continued through the evening.  The contractions were consistent, getting harder, and we were doing our Bradley thang - coping and managing pain :)  Then came the shift change :P  The new nurse increased my pitocin by 6 units in a very short time frame.  My body was already responding well to the pitocin and dilating at the rate previously set, so this increase sent my body into straight hard labor contractions with no minute down times for about an hour and some.  The “and some” was when we were waiting for the anesthesiologist to bring me an epidural because the pain I was feeling was not normal and the contractions were not subsiding even after the nurse turned off the pitocin and tried to flush my body of it.  Fortunately, with your prayers we got through this time unharmed and lil’ Bigfoot remained the complete Champ that he is the ENTIRE time.

I think everyone on staff was always impressed with his constant strong heartbeat. He even had hiccups twice up to this point since labor started!

Well, after the epi-peppy kicked in they started the pitocin again and we were dilated at a 10 in no time. We were at a +2 by 7:30/8AM Tuesday morning.  We started pushing at 8:30 (as family and friends know :)) only to be interrupted at 9:30 because there was a truck on blazing fire outside my room! ..I kid you not… Code Red was announced and the next thing you know I was trying to push our lil’ Bigfoot out of me down the hospital hallways to my transition/more “safe” room.  Soon, drama quieted back down, we resumed pushing for another 2 hours only to find that our lil’ Bigfoot just was not going to fit.  We had been at the same place for most of the three hours and could not get him over my tailbone? I think it was because of his posterior positioning, but who knows.  After this, we were rushed to an emergency C-section.  Alot of this time turned into quite the blur, but dear Geekman managed to get a good deal of it on video.  I remember some, but admittedly, there are times I struggle to remember the sweet mama-moments because of the anesthetics given during the surgery.  All in all, surgery went as well as major surgery could go after so much laboring and for that we are incredibly grateful. Also, when the time came, GeekMan announced with tears in his eyes that our baby was indeed a baby boy! We were both crying as much as lil Bigfoot when we laid our eyes on our little miracle! Beautiful baby Bigfoot arrived at 12:30PM :)  Definitely, the best *gift* I’ve ever received in my life thus far!

Needless to say, things happened not as imagined but in the grand scheme of it all I know God’s Hand was always present keeping and protecting us.  Not only that, but God gave us this beautiful baby boy!  This pregnancy has been surrounded with such awesome prayer I know that all the beautiful lessons that God will have for us will continue to reveal themselves to us in the days to come.  We have already been overwhelmed with all the amazing doctors, nurses, and staff at the hospital.  They were all so incredible and kind.  Each one we met this past week truly has been a blessing.  The way they served us is beyond words.  Also, our family and friends have been our rock, and for that we will never be able to thank you enough. To be honest, each sentence in this one paragraph deserves a blog post in and of themselves, which I hope to do once I figure out how to manage baby time and my time a bit better :)

Since leaving the hospital, I have been on quite the little recovery journey, which is why I have been MIA. Not to mention learning the many ropes of mommyhood :) And apparently, the duration and stages that our labor and delivery took was equivalent to me delivering four babies. Eeps! My goodness, I am one stubborn woman! Anywho, since recovery was expected to be a bit challenging my mom and mother in law graciously offered to stay with me the following two weeks (a week each). Words cannot express my gratitude and gratefulness or any other emotion I feel towards having my mom as well as my mother in law here those two weeks. (I also hope to dedicate a blog post to these experiences because those two weeks really meant so much to me)  They both helped me figure out life with our lil’ Bigfoot as well as how to cope/manage recovery from labor and surgery :D  So, for now, another huge thank you to both of them for being so willing to come be by my side. And, a ginormous Thank YOU to my dad and father in law for the sacrifice they imparted by being willing to share their amazing wives with our family.
Yay!  Our lil’ growing family :D GeekMan and I are entirely grateful and pray that we have the Grace to be open to all that God still has planned in these upcoming weeks of recovery meanwhile adjusting to mommy and daddyhood.  :D  If anything, God really has already blessed him and I.  He has given us so many amazing opportunities to grow together as well as grow with Him in such a short time.  I feel I/we still need more time to digest it all :)

Few souls understand what God would accomplish in them if they were to abandon themselves unreservedly to Him and if they were to allow His grace to mold them accordingly. — St. Ignatius Loyola

Pray that we, as a family, will have the grace to embrace our vocations unreservedly so that He may mold us into all that we are called to be, each moment of every day.