the side of love // thy will be done

Breathe in. Breathe out. Repeat.

Take steps forward. Take them back. But keep on taking them. Take the steps.

They matter. All of them. Each effort behind them. Each decision behind them. All of it matters.

All of it is moving forward or away from a solution. What's important is there is movement.

You haven't stopped. You won't stop. You keep on keeping on because it's what your heart moves you to.

Your heart. Your little heart.

The one that cringes the moment you hear a cry, or a heave, or a sad moan.

The same little heart that wakes you in the middle of the night the moment something is awry. The little one that knows. The one where He lives - if you let Him - and keeps loving you and others through you.

The little space that you can either let be guided by the One who Guides or the little space you can keep on trying to guide on your own. Away from the One who loves you and all of your loved ones more than you'll ever know.

Breathe in. Breathe out. Repeat.

***

I'm rambling. I know. That's just where I am. In rambles.

Since we came back from vacation my son has been struggling with a parasite that has been wreaking havoc on his insides. It took doctors and labs two weeks to diagnose him, meanwhile we were tasked with trying to keep him hydrated and nourished best we can. Tasked with fighting the invisible with our own limited senses that were always seeming at their end, whether from stress or sleep deprivation.

But. Our little one; he's been a trooper. Such a trooper! Stronger than any of us! Keeping smiles, jokes, and sillies regardless of how lethargic and low energy he has gotten. Regardless of it all, playing and trying to keep up with his not-sick big brother. Regardless of it all!

How easy it is to get wrapped up in my own worries and anxieties! How quick I am to worry myself to a migraine on the daily and let myself spiral into all the what-if's of all-the-scary-things.

Gosh. So quick!

In my few moments of peace, I let myself wander to the true, good, and beautiful. I seek out the saints and His Word, as I'm sure y'all are now familiar with about me by this point. It's where my Hope lies. In Him. And, in Him alone.

Pride. All the pride found at my root, letting me convince myself that there is more that I can do. That there is more that the doctors can be doing every second of every day. That I am missing something. Something! I...I...I...

The thing is, these are all lies. In my mama heart I know I've done all I can. I know I've loved this little boy day in and day out, the best that I can with all that I am in that moment..that hour..that day. I know. And, when I let the lies get the best of me, I'm not listening to the One who loves me and my son more than my little self will ever be able to fully grasp. So so much more.

I know the love letter that can be found in scripture. I know it and have felt that warmth since I was itty-bitty. I know the words that ease anxiety. That bring calm. The how-to of how to find peace. All there.

"Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God. 7 And the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus." 

Philippians 4:6-7

So why get wrapped up now? Call it fatigue, preggo hormones, life, weariness, pride, distance, exhaustion or what have you. Or call it, me being human. The kind that doesn't always get it. The kind that gets wrapped up. Call it a million things. All of which matter and don't matter, all at the same time.

Where I've been on any given day, all these things have been thrown around. But. On all of these same given days, He was there all the while, gently calling me to Him. Gently asking me to let Him hold my little one and me, so that we could endure our suffering with peace and understanding. 

"O Lord, my heart is not lifted up, my eyes are not raised to high; I do not occupy myself with things too great and too marvelous for me. But I have calmed and quieted my soul, like a child that is quieted at it's mother's breast; like a child that is quieted is my soul. O Israel, hope in the Lord from this time forth and for evermore."

-Psalms 131: 1-3

All the while, He's been there sharing grace. Waiting for me to say, Here I am Lord, I've come to do your Will. Wanting me to rest in Him. His Hope. His Strength. His Love.

Asking me To Trust Him and His Love for me wholly. Not just sometimes. Not just a little here and there. Trust His Truth and Goodness so much that I say, Thy Will Be Done. Amen. And that's it.

My son just finished his second round of medication. I don't know if it worked this time and probably won't for another week or so.

But I do know that the grace He shared with me today brought me to these moments that allowed me to gather my thoughts in this post. Brought me to some moments of clarity that my weary-mama-heart so much needed.

Watching your son struggle for three weeks wears on the heart. But hope in the Lord from this time forth and evermore is what I'm really going to try and rest in. He's got this. He knows. I'm the instrument that just needs to keep on loving in service of Him through the little gifts He's shared with me in my home. And believe in His love for me and for my son. Because it's there. There in His Will and His Love where clarity can be felt and found. Always.

How have you struggled with His Will lately? Or embracing His Peace and Love? How do you get the focus and peace you yearn for during those muddled times?

Meet you in the combox!

Wisdom from St. Jane Frances de Chantel

Sharing some wisdom from dear St. Jane Frances de Chantel today:

“There is no danger if our prayer is without words or reflection because the good success of prayer depends neither on words nor on study. It depends upon the simple raising of our minds to God.”

“Should you fall even fifty times a day, never on any account should that surprise or worry you. Instead, ever so gently set your heart back in the right direction.”

"When shall it be that we shall taste the sweetness of the Divine Will in all that happens to us, considering in everything only His good pleasure, by whom it is certain that adversity is sent with as much love as prosperity, and as much for our good? When shall we cast ourselves undeservedly into the arms of our most loving Father in Heaven, leaving to Him the care of ourselves and of our affairs, and reserving only the desire of pleasing Him, and of serving Him well in all that we can?"

"We should go to prayer with deep humility and an awareness of our nothingness. We must invoke the help of the Holy Spirit and that of our good angel, and then remain still in God's presence, full of faith that he is more in us than we are in ourselves."

"Hold your eyes on God and leave the doing to him. That is all the doing you have to worry about."

"Let us lose nothing of what God bestows on us. Difficulties and sufferings will disappear, but the merit we acquire through our fidelity will remain forever. Let us therefore build our eternity through all things that pass away."

~~~

Found some of these quotes here and here. Get on over to read more about her life at the very same sites!

~~~

St. Jane Frances de Chantel, pray for us!

homeschool: here I am, Lord

"Be strengthened in Almighty God and in the power of His might, for with His help nothing is difficult. Throw off the heavy load of your own will, cast aside the burden of sin, and gird yourselves as valiant warriors. Forget what you are leaving behind; strain forward to the great things before you. I tell you that every place where you set foot shall be yours. For the Spirit who goes before your face is Christ the Lord. He will carry you to the topmost peak in the arms of His love."

-Saint Francis of Assisi

Here I am, Lord.

There have been many times that Our Lord has moved me in a direction. He has given me these subtle nudges that have brought me to different places. He has called me. And, I have always done my best to respond with my Here I am, Lord. His sweet calls lead me to college, then to graduate school, and finally to various jobs in my directed field. They brought me to my husband and to motherhood. He has always been gentle. Always kind. Taking my hand in the direction He desires for me. All of these callings have been so fulfilling, regardless of how challenging they have or have not been. They have brought me a sense of peace. For this, and so many other reasons, my trust is wholeheartedly in Him. Or, at the very least, I am striving to always trust Him with all that I am as best as I humanly can.

Is it I, Lord?

In the past, some of the nudges or callings have been very loud and clear. He simply stirred my soul in a way that could not be ignored. Not until He received my Fiat, did I experience the Peace He was wanting to share with me. While others nudges have been softer, sweeter, and filled with gentleness.

I have heard You calling in the night.

Since marrying my dear husband, I have had various nudges. One, for example, is how He brought us to the conception of our firstborn - such a gift - that, in turn, made me a mother. Another would be when I discerned, greatly, on whether or not to stay home with my son or to return to work like so many before me. His calling always brought me home - sweetly and gently.

The peace I felt was something that could not be ignored. Still, today, I continue to experience this peace and joy as I journey through my vocation of motherhood in our home. While some may see it as a very inactive or passive route when compared to today's "shoulds", I see my present as one of the biggest fiats that I have given to my God. He called and, by His grace, I answered and continue to do so one day at a time. It isn't always easy, but He never said it would be. We now have two sweet boys under our roof and in this young Mama's care. 

I will go, Lord...if You lead me.

Here, recently, I have heard Him calling again. This nudge has been coming along over the past year and I have been answering by reading all the things, researching, discerning, praying, and more. I find that I am most at peace when I am not fighting the notion that was planted within my heart just like so many other seeds before. This new seed is no different than those before only because it is another step that He is asking me to take - to trust Him with. Does that make it any less surprising or unexpected? Nope.

I will hold Your people in my heart.

These recent nudges are about homeschooling. Yup. I said it. Eep, and wrote it! At the end of the day, I know some will think I'm crazy for even considering this kind of journey. Sometimes I wonder the same thing. But I always find peace in knowing God would never task me with something that He has not prepared me for in some way or another. I also know that God's Will for me is sanctifying and if this be part of it, then I want to let it be done unto me.


So with that, this coming year will be dedicated to learning as much as I possibly can about homeschooling (haha, there's that word again!). What are the day-to-day logistics? Which program will best fit our family? Conferences (was blessed to have already attended one! Yay, me!). Meetings. Research. and anything else I can get my hands on that will help me better understand what all this journey entails. I'm going to approach it as I've approached every journey I've ever taken, meanwhile, remembering these sweet words of wisdom from the Venerable Fulton J. Sheen:

"We always make the mistake of thinking that it is what we do that matters, when really what matters is what we let God do to us. God sent the angel to Mary, not to ask her to do something, but to let something be done.” 

-Venerable Fulton J. Sheen

Mary, Mother of our Lord, pray for our little family. 

"I had wondered for a long time why God had preferences and why all souls did not receive an equal amount of grace [...] Jesus saw fit to enlighten me about this mystery. He set the book of nature before me and I saw that all the flowers He has created are lovely. The splendour of the rose and whiteness of the lily do not rob the little violet of its scent nor the daisy of its simple charm. I realised that if every tiny flower wanted to be a rose, spring would lose its loveliness and there would be no wild flowers to make the meadows gay. It is just the same in the world of souls — which is the garden of Jesus. He has created the great saints who are like the lilies and the roses, but He has also created much lesser saints and they must be content to be the daisies or the violets which rejoice His eyes whenever He glances down. Perfection consists in doing His will, in being that which He wants us to be." -St. Therese of Lisieux

Little Crosses and Little Blessings for this Mama's Little Heart

As many of you know, I desperately stormed Heaven for the possibility of avoiding major surgery (ie cesarean birth) with our newest little. As with Bigfoot, I so much wanted to have a vaginal delivery, au natural, but as life and His Will would have it, I did not get that. Through a lot of tears, prayer, talking with my husband, family, and friends, as well as, trying to always be thankful for the present moment, I moved forward and began praying for a chance to VBAC (vaginal birth after cesarean) with our second child.

You may be wondering why I have been so stubborn about it. And, sometimes I ask myself the same thing. But, in my heart I know that a piece of me will always mourn the loss of being able to deliver vaginally, as God intended our bodies, as women, to bring life forth into this world. I'm not entirely sure how I will feel come future children, given I most likely will not be able to ever have another chance for a trial of labor, but I do know a little bit of me will ache.

You see, I prayed for such a long time, that God prepare me physically, spiritually, and emotionally to be a mother and wife. I began praying ever since I felt that my vocation was to be a wife and mother. When I would think of bringing life into this world, of being a physical vessel of his goodness and miracles, my heart experienced a joy that was overwhelming. And, you now may be saying that I did carry a healthy miracle to term and had two healthy baby boys, despite having them via cesarean. And..you are right! I have had two very blessed pregnancies and do have two wonderful little boys to show for it! For this, I could not be more grateful. But, somewhere in my heart, there was a seed that was planted long ago that I nourished as well as I could and did not see it bear fruit as I thought it would. It has been somewhat heartbreaking, leaving me feeling a little broken, that I was not able to share a vaginal delivery with my sons nor my husband. I know the health benefits, for my children and for myself significantly outweigh that of surgery. Knowing this, how could a mother not want to give her child the birth that exemplifies our feminine genius?

But, for whatever reason, it has not been in His Will for me or us. I know there are many lessons that have and will continue to be learned through this. There already have been so many gifts that came with my first cesarean: my healthy first-born, an amazing outpouring of servitude from family and friends, incredible love in others caring for me in my post-surgery state, friends being so wonderful and present, me being forced to allow others to see me incredibly vulnerable and weak, suffering that I was able to offer up daily for others, me being forced to not have it all together, me being forced to not work my way to being good at something because my body was so crippled from the trauma of two days of labor and major surgery...I could go on and on, but off the top of my head these were gifts.

Fast-forward to the birth of my sweet P. All, or most, was different. Different in that the crosses and blessings didn't look quite the same. We did wait three days post due date to see if our little guy would come on his own. Apparently, he decided I was way more comfy than the bright and cold world that awaited him (I don't blame him). My ob-gyn, said that it was in our best interest to schedule the cesarean - so, we did.

All of the scheduling and arriving at the hospital at said time, filling out paper work, sitting and waiting, etc seemed pretty cold to me. We got our instructions on when to arrive, to not eat after midnight, a quick run through of what to expect and that was that. The nurses decided on Sweet P's birthday based on availability. Something about that hurt a little, but trust me when I say, I will be needing to re-frame all of the things that rub my heart the wrong way given my cesarean delivery method now being a sealed fate for me after having had two.

Even though I could continue to share more of my not-so-pleasant experiences of scheduling your child's birth, I want to share the more encouraging side of the day too.

I did have family and friends cheering me all the way. Part of me couldn't help but be scared and sad given my previous cesarean experience with my first son, but there was a turning point for me. I know many were praying for me; some sent emails, others texts and phone calls. All of them nudging my heart to be open to what God had for me in this delivery and reminding me that I would be holding my sweet gift from Above very soon. The excitement from all the grandparents and my husband, as well as the staff, was also a constant reminder of how joy-filled I should be. Very quickly, through all of their loving hearts and eyes, I was able to let go more and more and just focus on the love and joy that I had for this child. Fear and sadness did enter my heart from time to time, but overall I felt His Peace and was constantly calling our Lord's Sweet Mother to hold me.

The blessings continued to pour forth on Sweet P's birthday. For starters, all the grandparents, aunts, and uncles could plan to be present to welcome our little love into our sweet family. Also, we were blessed to be scheduled for the Hour of Mercy, which really helped me focus on uniting all my struggles to the Cross of Our Lord. Our nurse and anesthesiologist as well as all others involved in our hospital delivery were wonderful at guiding and comforting me through each stage of this surgery. They brought my son to me immediately and let me hold him. They never took him from me. I was able to do skin-to-skin and nurse him within the hour of his life. My son was never out of my sight. The beautiful child I carried for nine months was able to be with his mama. Those moments I treasure more than words because with my first-born I was under heavy medication and don't recall the first 5-7 hours of his life including the first time I held him, nursed him, meeting the grandparents, seeing family post surgery, and more. All just a big blur in my heart. So, as you can imagine, being alert and functional throughout the surgery and day were more than I could have asked for and blessed my soul so very much. Also, I was able to walk within 24 hours. My surgical recovery has been much easier. And even though it broke my heart to not be able to carry my oldest at all in the first two weeks and still limited carrying at one month, this allowed me to spend extra attention to our newest addition. Time I may not have focused on as much had I been without any physical restrictions post-delivery. So, with that cross, came a blessing - wonderful bonding time with my youngest son. Or rather, with all of these little crosses that I carried within me all came with amazing blessings that only He could give.

I could go on, but for now I think I'm at a good stopping point. Part of me, at first, wanted to avoid posting our cesarean delivery pictures. I guess, for me, posting those birthday pictures make everything more real and official for me. Makes the realization that I have to let go of a woman's natural way to deliver ever more present to me. But, little by little, I am embracing my path and trying to do so with Joy (even if it just happens from time to time for now). So, with Joy, I am posting (and have been posting) pictures of our family immediately following the surgery. My first moments with my son. Moments that I did not have with my first delivery. Moments that I will forever treasure. And could not be more grateful for. 

I pray that my little crosses help my little heart to grow in ways that only He can fathom. I pray that it helps me to grow into a better wife and mother, daughter/sister and friend. I pray that somehow, despite my constant failings, He will help bring me closer to Him, which in turn will help me bring Him closer to others.

~~~

Suscipe 

Take, Lord, and receive all my liberty,

my memory, my understanding

and my entire will,

All I have and call my own.

You have given all to me.

To you, Lord, I return it.

Everything is yours; do with it what you will.

Give me only your love and your grace.

That is enough for me.

-St. Ignatius of Loyola

"At every occurrence we should say: Dominus est. It is the Lord; and in all circumstances we should find a gift from God: we should consider creatures as very feeble instruments in the hands of an Almighty Worker, and we should recognize without difficulty that nothing is lacking to us that God’s constant care leads Him to give us each instant what is suited to us." -Fr. Jean-Pierre de Caussade