the side of love // beautiful love

When I was 12 years young, I began a journey that would be one of the biggest gifts I would ever receive. I attended a Youth 2000 Retreat a few months after having injured my lower back and was in a bit of a vulnerable place. I was seeking comfort and hope. I was longing for something more.

At the time, my little teenager self was so very devastated about my injury. Thankfully, being active in my youth group, my parents and youth ministers encouraged me to attend this retreat. Thankfully, I said a little yes that would easily become one of my biggest.

Prior to this little injury, one that kept me from playing summer sports (Tennis was my absolute favorite!), I had also lost my beloved grandmother. In fact, I had a beautifully vivid dream the night before she passed. I woke up crying because I knew how much I'd miss her. How much my heart would be torn and how much turmoil my little teenager self would feel! The morning of my dream, after waking with my own tears, I remember walking to the hallway and seeing my mom walk in the door with tears in her own eyes. The kind of tears that had been streaming for awhile. The kind of tears that only a daughter can shed at the loss of her mother.

Amidst these two events, the emotional crazy of  middle school and high school proceeded as they always would.

Onto the retreat, and I can easily say that it was exactly what my heart needed. Falling in Love with the One who shared beautiful love through my grandmother was what I needed. Healing in the gift of Eucharistic Adoration was exactly what my flesh yearned for. Love, healing, and learning to Trust the One who has been with me all along was what I had been seeking all along. That weekend, my journey with Him whom my soul has always longed for, began. It was kind of wonderful. It was kind of beautiful. And, it was all kinds of grace-filled.

That weekend, so long ago, c h a n g e d me.

I went through high school with friends who I still love more than they'll ever know. They helped keep me looking up. Looking to the One who is Love. They helped me during sad times and laughed with me during happy times. We walked together, learning, growing, and living in His Grace and Goodness. Living in His Love through the gift of community and faith.

During college, my journey with Love grew more than I could have ever fathomed. He met me in Mass, He met me in prayer, He met me in every theology and spiritual read I could get my hands on, He met me for 40 days in Eucharistic Adoration during Lent and more...

He always met me, held me through heartache, loved me through friends and community and family, and cared for me in the beautiful treasures of our Faith.

Fast forward to today and not much has changed.

"I wait for the LORD, my soul waits and I hope for his word. 

My soul looks for the Lord more than sentinels for daybreak. 

More than sentinels for daybreak.."  

-Psalm 130: 5-6

Fast forward to today and everything has changed.

See, back when I was 12, the Truth, and Goodness, and Beauty that He is became more real to me than my own beating heart. Grace upon grace held me and kept me. Seeking Him became second nature. It's what I did with the help of Mother Church, family, friends, community, and all the gifts He had shared with me along the way. It's also what I did because my parents blessed me with prayer, Mass, and love throughout my childhood - a pathway I was blessed to be on that lead me to Him in a mysteriously beautiful way.

I learned to wait. I learned to wait on Him, because at the end of each and everyday that's all there was. He was and has always been all there ever was and all there ever would be.

So now, here I am, soon to have my third cesarean. The first which was traumatic but brought the greatest gift of my firstborn and the absolute treasure of being blessed to be called mama, the second which brought my personality-for-days second-born and amazing healing in the experience of a cesarean, and now the third which comes with a beautifully healthy little hiccuping sweet love in my womb and complications that have stunned me into stillness from fear of all the unknowns.

Truly though, He still beckons me.

“Arise, my friend, my beautiful one, and come!" 

-Song of Songs 2:10

We are seven days away from meeting our newest little love. The love I have for this little one is beautiful and good. In the same way that my love for our two sweet boys just pierces me to my core, I am reminded that my love for them is only a hint of how amazing His love is for me. There is much comfort in that. So much comfort.

"There is no moment at which God does not present himself under the guise of some suffering, some consolation or some duty. All that occurs within us, around us and by our means covers and hides his divine action. His action is there, most really and certainly present, but in an invisible manner, the result of which is that we are always being taken by surprise and that we only recognize his operation after it has passed. Could we pierce the veil and were we vigilant and attentive, God would reveal himself continuously to us and we should rejoice in his action in everything that happens to us. At every occurrence we should say: Dominus est. It is the Lord; and in all circumstance we should find a gift from God: we should consider creatures as very feeble instruments in the hands of an almighty worker, and we should recognize without difficulty that nothing is lacking to us and that God's constant care leads him to give us each instant what is suited to us."

- Fr. Jean-Pierre de Caussade

Here I am. Again, He calls me into the unknown. I don't know if this little one will be ready to leave the comfort of my womb at 37-weeks. I don't know if this cesarean will proceed as simply and sweetly as my last one that brought so much healing because of my current situation of having placenta previa. I don't know if we'll have a NICU stay, trouble nursing, trouble healing, extra surgeries, need for blood transfusions, and who knows what else. I suppose, all these things are truly unknown even if we were to wait for our little one to be born at 40-weeks, but everything about this leaves me whispering, Jesus, I trust in You, rather than proclaiming it.

And, that's okay.

"Do not look forward in fear to the changes of life; Rather look to them with full hope that as they arise, God, whose very own you are, will lead you safely through all things; And when you cannot stand it, God will carry you in His arms. Do not fear what may happen tomorrow; The same everlasting Father who cares for you today will take care of you today and every day. He will either shield you from suffering or will give you unfailing strength to bear it. Be at peace and put aside all anxious thoughts and imaginations."

-St. Francis de Sales

I am arising in my little ways, one day at a time. I am whispering my fiat and my trust in Him, because at the end of the day I love Him and He loves me. He is all there is and all there every will be.

Dominus est.

It was Him when I was 13 years young and in love and it is Him walking along with me down this path to the birth of our newest little gift - another little love that will again change nothing and everything.

#BISSisterhood

Advent Unplugged: Come away for a while...

I mentioned last Sunday that I was going to whole-heartedly try to unplug and to be more intentional about my day-to-day to-dos. For the most part things are going alright. Now, let's get specific.

Facebook has been deleted from my phone and the time spent on that little social network/black hole of my time has dramatically changed. I don't think to get on anymore, aside during my possible mini break when both boys are sleeping at the same time (rare) or at night before Linus wakes to nurse. So there has been an upside to this one specific change. Less phone time...kind of.

I try to remember to leave my phone in the kitchen while I'm at the table or in the room playing with the boys, but this one doesn't always happen. I worry that I may miss a call or text from someone that may need a response so I ultimately keep it with me. I have lessened my screen time even though sometimes it doesn't feel like it. This area can definitely use some improvement only because I think to look at my phone often to check for hypothetical texts, calls, or emails.

Now, here is where I am getting into my struggle of unplugging. My brain and selfishness are hard to turn off! As much as there has been less phone time, I am struggling with being as present as I would like. Possibly because I'm going stir-carazzy here with icepocalypse 2013 going on over here in Dallas, but still not an excuse.

Often times I find myself just wanting a little break to sit and watch a show (i.e. not think and be mindless.), which I ultimately do after the boys are in bed during naps or bedtime. And then there's the feeling that I'm just not doing so hot with the potty-training/two-year old toddler stage of life mixed with crawling baby boy who travels at the speed of light to get into anything and everything at the very same time said toddler needs to go to the potty? I mean my tolerance/mama patience wears thin real quick after cleaning up the potty that was meant for the paw-dee. It's yuck. And as much as I can do diapers there's just something about the lack of containment and my toddler who oh-so-easily can become so consumed with whatever he's doing, so much so that he fails to mention he needed to go sit. And then there's me who doesn't just take him because I'm tending to the little guy. Oye! I'm getting tired just writing this out! So, let's just say it's just a combination of it all?

On that crazy note, I've recently and randomly remembered Special K (Sister Katherine) encouraging me to rest in this scripture:

Jesus said to them, “Come away by yourselves to a deserted place and rest a while. 

Mark 6: 31

Sweet Sister, resting is something that my personality definitely lends to, probably too much! I could easily be a professional rest-er. I know very well how to rest. But, I don't think I've been resting the way she meant nor how Christ wants me to. You see, after my tid-bits of "rest", I'm not feeling rejuvenated. So, I must be missing something.

Over Thanksgiving break, there was lots of hustle and bustle around preparing all the incredibly yummy goodness that was had. My mom and I did a lot. We were non-stop. I, mostly, following the lead of my mother who has hosted a number of Thanksgivings (She was awesome!). She knew what to do and she knew how to do it well. It was go-time for most of the day. Even meal-time felt like go-time because we have the littles.

Now, being someone who loves to be in the kitchen, I enjoyed every bit of it. Or rather, I loved the baking portion because that is one thing that just relaxes me and makes me happy. The big bird thing, not so much. I'm with Britt on this one. There's something about handling raw birds that I just don't do - unless I really have to (insert super-hero mom -my mom- who was uh-mazing with the turkey!). 

But, getting back to the resting portion of this post, I felt most rejuvenated when I was with little Linus sitting and nursing him. I treasured sitting with him in the rocker for nursing all throughout Thanksgiving day. And as much as I love our nursing relationship, I loved it in a new way on that day. It made time stand still. I felt like I came away with Him to rest awhile. I reflected. I nourished. It was peaceful. It was life-giving. I prayed. I was thankful. I was happy for the moment to reflect and to snuggle the sweet little life that He blessed us with. I felt the most unplugged then.

The nursing sessions gave me a chance to reflect on all the so many wonderful posts about Advent that all you awesome bloggers put out the week prior to Advent and the week of (yup, I am the least on-time person in the universe). Posts on silence. Posts on waiting. Posts on being present. So many beautiful insights from so many wonderful women trying to set a tone in their home that reflects the amazing journey Our Lady had up to the birth of her beautiful and perfect Son. The journey of her waiting on the Lord.

Be still before the LORD; wait for him.

Psalm 37:7

She waited on Him who was already with her. He was with her before He was in her womb, He was with her in a beautiful way while in her womb, and He was with her in such a special way during His journey. But, the point is He was with her. 

And, the point is He is with me. In all these wonderful ways. I felt most unplugged while I, with my heart, mind, and soul, was with Him. Not on a show. Not while I was complaining. Not while I was not getting stuff done and frustrated that I had so much to get done. Not when I lost my patience for the umpteenth time. It was when I let myself, let Him, fill me with good things. 

Week one of Advent has passed. I missed celebrating the Feast of St. Nicholas (one of my favorites), I am just putting up our Advent wreath, I am just starting to pull out Christmas decorations, and am just behind on all things Advent life, but I am hoping and praying I am more present and intentional in the weeks to come. More unplugging. More stillness internally. The external is going to be crazy. It is going to keep going. It's the inside that I need to keep calm. Keep quiet and still. So that I can share that joy that I feel in my heart about the upcoming birth of our Savior.

With His Grace!

O come o come Emmanuel!

Happy Due Date, Sweet P

Happiest due date, to our Sweet P. We love you and are so excited to see and hold you! To know if you are a boy or a girl! To call and know you by name! For you to meet your big brother and for your big brother to meet you! For you to meet us! To bring you home! To snuggle with you! To shower you with kisses and love! For you to meet your grandparents, uncles, aunts, and so many more who are anxious to know and meet you!

Sweetest one, we are ready when you are. We're praying. We have been praying. We love you dearly, and are so thankful for the gift of you.

For a stalk to grow or a flower to open there must be time that cannot be forced; nine months must go by for the birth of a human child; to write a book or compose music often years must be dedicated to patient research ...To find the mystery there must be patience, interior purification, silence, waiting....-Blessed John Paul II

St. John Bosco, pray for us.
St. Gianna Beretta Molla, pray for us.
St. Therese of Lisieux, pray for us.
St. Gerard Majella, pray for us.
Blessed John Paul II, pray for us.
Dearest Holy Family, pray for us.

So in love...

...with my sweet son. The big brother to our Sweet P. Our son who will be a wonderful big brother and who is always ready to share smiles, giggles, joy, energy, snuggles, hugs, love, and so much more.

Sweet gift, I love you. I love you so much. Thank you for all that your are.

St. John Bosco, pray for our little growing family.

Our soul waits for the Lord; he is our help and shield. Yea, our heart is glad in him, because we trust in his holy name. Let thy steadfast love, O Lord, be upon us, even as we hope in thee. -Psalm 33: 20-22

40 weeks and 1 day...

At every occurrence we should say: Dominus est. It is the Lord; and in all circumstances we should find a gift from God: we should consider creatures as very feeble instruments in the hands of an Almighty Worker, and we should recognize without difficulty that nothing is lacking to us that God’s constant care leads Him to give us each instant what is suited to us.  -Fr. de Caussade

The due date of our little one has come and gone. And today we are 40 weeks and 1 day :) Yup, our little Junebug is cozy and comfy in my womb and is showing few signs (up to this point) of making a full exit. Naturally, I (and many beloved family members and friends) are sitting at the edge of our seat waiting on this child and on God. Admittedly, having had our first born on the due date would have been so exciting! So, part of me is a bit sad that the day has passed. But as His Will would have it, we are still being called to patiently wait on Him. 

I like this quote from Fr. de Caussade, because it reminded me to be grateful and to Trust that It is the Lord who is working in each moment that passes. And not only is He working but He is giving us a gift. Gifts that I have only been able to recognize with some evening time spent in prayer and reflection.

Our Gifts thus far:

Friday, our due date was spent at an enjoyable morning Doctor’s appointment where we heard that this Mama and our little one are as healthy as can be at this point. That is always a joy to hear and definitely a gift. GeekMan and I had lunch thereafter and then I was able to spend some wonderful quality time with my brother who is visiting. Not only did I get to spend the afternoon with him but GeekMan and I were given the opportunity to have an early dinner with my brother as well. Then later, GeekMan and I enjoyed a movie, relaxation, and needed conversation. Dominus est.

Saturday, our 40 weeks and one day, were spent catching up on some much needed to-dos in the morning followed with a brief but wonderful time with my brother - again! These gifts were followed by our good friends calling us up for a delicious dinner out and we suggested getting some raspas for dessert (snowcones, something I’ve been wanting since this past Monday;)). After receiving these evening gifts we are now home enjoying each other and relaxing. Dominus est.

So, thank you again Fr. de Caussade and Holy Spirit for opening my eyes to see the goodness in the time that we have had and pray that my eyes continue to stay open in the days that come. Who knows when God and this little one will decide to exit my womb? Am I excited? YES! Am I ready? As ready as I’ll ever be :) But, for now I’ll try my best to focus on all the little gifts that God is sharing in moments that have passed and are yet to come. Dominus est.

haha, just a side note:

My guess is that our little Junebug doesn’t want us to miss Mass tomorrow morning. Perhaps he or she already sees the great gift in that and we’ll go into labor after celebrating Mass :D Will keep ya’ll posted!!!

Why will we always substitute our own action for that of the divineWorker, who labours ceaselessly in us at the work of our perfection?How much more progress would we make if we made it our principal studynot to get in the way of His action, to abandon ourselves to Him and wait. -Fr. Jean-Pierre de Caussade

How much more?...

How much more progress would we make if we made it our principal study not to get in the way of His Action, to abandon ourselves to Him and wait.  -Fr. Jean-Pierre de Caussade

Definitely something for me to be thinking about.  I’ve been mostly at home these past few weeks preparing for all that is to come.  I’ve enjoyed the peace and quiet, moving things around, waiting for my GeekMan to come for lunch or from work, helping prepare/train our lil pup (Lily) for our little Junebug, cooking, baking here and there, cleaning of course when I have the energy, going for walks, and few other random things here and there.  Amidst all of this, my thoughts return to all the unknowns surrounding our little one and it’s arrival.

So, when things like this happen (thoughts rambling, questioning etc) I usually will find myself in an old book that made sense at some point in my life.  Lately, my go-to book has been Abandonment to Divine Providence by Fr. De Caussade.  In one of his letters, Fr. de Caussade was writing to a Reverend Mother seeking spiritual guidance.  In this letter to her he focused on Peaceful Waiting.  Again, the whole theme of “waiting”.  But not just any kind of waiting - he calls it peaceful.  While thinking about peaceful waiting I remembered St. Gianna’s words:

All the Lord’s ways are beautiful because their end is one and the same: to save our own soul and to succeed in leading many other souls to heaven, to give glory to God.  -St. Gianna Beretta Molla

Needless to say, at 39 weeks and 4 days pregnant, I am waiting.  But, am I waiting as patiently as I can so as not to get in the way of how God is working in me each waiting moment?  I’m going to venture and say no.  But after reading Fr. de Caussade’s letter to a Reverend Mother and remembering St. Gianna’s words, I definitely have a little more perspective on what is being asked of me today and in the days to come.  Not to stress, or be anxious about how and when everything will happen and thereafter, but to Trust that He has His ways that are Perfect.  More Perfect than I could ever fathom.  And, again, in the waiting will my path be sanctified.  In the waiting, I have the opportunity to grow to know Him more.  How much more?  …I don’t really know.  Will I be successful moment to moment each day that comes - definitely not.  But, I do know that I’m being called to wait.  And so, wait on You the best that I humanly can, I shall  (with Your Grace, of course! :))

All I do know is that I am just so thrilled, excited, and happy (as well as every other word that means excited for that matter) to meet this little Life that God has shared with my GeekMan and me.

Strength and Waiting

…if He wants anything of you, He will fit you for the work and give you strength.” -St. Philip Neri

Our Lord has done just that.  He brought us together and gave us the strength to build a special and tender union of heart, He gave us strength in our engagement, He brought us to our wedding day, and now He called my husband and I to the beautiful gift of Life.  The day we found out we were pregnant with our first child, our hearts swelled and we began the new journey set before us with the strength and grace that can only be given us by Him.


My pregnancy has been wonderful.  We’ve been very blessed.  There was, of course, the minor morning sickness, my ever changing body, and all the amazing milestones of watching my tummy swell, feeling our little one flutter in Mama’s tummy while at Christmas Mass this past year, feeling the kicks and movements become more pronounced and strong, Daddy being able to have his first look at my rolling tummy, Daddy *feeling* his little one in my womb for the first time, and so much more.


Our joy has since abounded and we continue to take these steps with eyes wide open always awaiting whatever will be around the corner.  Our pregnancy journey and life itself always seems to have a theme of *waiting*.  A number of people might not like the idea of waiting, and I know I definitely am one to struggle with practicing joyful and active waiting.  But, I do believe that there is a joy and active participation in the waiting that we experience and are called to.  In the waiting, if we find ourselves present to each moment, there is so much joy and comfort to be found, knowing that God has planted His Will and that something is happening.  After reading, Abandonment to Divine Providence by Father J.P. de Caussade, S.J., I gained this understanding and try to be aware of it is often as possible.


Throughout our pregnancy we have been waiting: waiting to be out of the first, second, and third tri-mester, waiting to see the heartbeat, waiting to hear the heartbeat for the first time, waiting to see our little one at his/her earliest stages, waiting to see our little one grow in my womb, waiting each new opportunity for a sonogram so we can sneak a glimpse of our little one dancing around, waiting to share the news with all our loved ones, waiting to know if I would have had morning sickness or not, waiting for the sweet and wonderful baby showers, waiting to know if our baby is a boy or a girl, waiting to grow so big that I waddle, waiting to share new experiences with all our loved ones, waiting to take our natural birthing class and prepare as much as possible, waiting to find the right name, waiting to share all these new moments and findings with my spouse and him with me, waiting for each new kick or movement, waiting for the next time our little one gets hiccups in my womb, waiting for home to change into a home that is awaiting its newest member, waiting on all the different stages of this Life in my womb, and ultimately, waiting to get to where we are today.


In our waiting we have been blessed.  In retrospect, I can say there has been joy and always something happening in each moment we breathed, all from His Hand who holds us.

The secret of waiting is the faith that the seed has been planted, that something has begun. -Fr. Jean-Pierre de Caussade

Those who are waiting are waiting very actively. They know that whatthey are waiting for is growing from the ground on which they arestanding. That’s the secret. The secret of waiting is the faith thatthe seed has been planted, that something has begun. Active waitingmeans to be present fully to the moment, in the conviction thatsomething is happening where you are and that you want to be present toit. A waiting person is someone who is present to the moment, whobelieves that this moment is The Moment. -Fr. Jean-Pierre de Caussade